The Obvious

Let's discuss about something obvious, something I've been avoiding for a very long time but obviously it's just a big elephant in the room. Sigh. There is a very long list of things I just can't right in front of my face. Cause it reminds me of him. Here it goes.

Banana
Filling up my car with gas (cause he was the one that taught me how)
Dota (my brother even stopped playing this holiday because he knew how I felt when he looked at me catching him playing the game)
All the places we've been together (Sunway Pyramid, Curve, Wondermilk, Paradigm etc.) KLCC not so much cause I have so many other memories there.
The DC shop at Pavi cause I bought his birthday present there.
Probably every movie we watched together (Life of Pi, Fast 6, The Croods, Pacific Rim etc.) I can list them all, but nobody cares right?
Ayam Percik
Spaghetti
Damansara (even seeing it on the map, even driving at the same road there)
Joker and Harley Quinn
That place where you cut your hair like Macklemore

Okay I'm done. There are so much more. But I'm just done. Because everytime I think about it. They are all just lies. LIES. None of them were real to him. How can it be, when he doesn't even know what love is?

I know for a fact that he was in my life, not as a LESSON. Because I've been here before. What happened between us, I already learned other guys. This isnt my first time falling in love. Not my first heartbreak. I've had many previous boyfriends who hurt me just the same. So no, this isn't  a lesson. I do think about why he was he in my life. And I think it's because that's what I've been asking for this whole time. Since I was a kid I've been dreaming about having a boyfriend who drives to my house to pick me up and honk his car and I would hear it and ran downstairs to go out for a date with him. A boyfriend who spoils me with gifts and pay for my meal. A boyfriend who brings me to places I've never been. A boyfriend who drowns me with his sweet words.  So maybe God wanted to let have a taste of it. Maybe he was meant to bring me happiness, unfortunately just for a brief moment. Very brief. Maybe God made it brief, so He can give someone better. Someone who suits me well. Someone who don't have to give all that stuff, but loves me, and loves me because of Allah. And this is the only way He can do it.

I found out a lot about him after the break. And I thank Allah that He didn't let me marry that kind of guy.

Is he a rebound?

I was just about to get cozy in my bed to do some blogging and then off to sleep, I don't know why but I'm so sleepy right now, and then abang called to ask me to pick him up in 30 minutes. Blerghhhh. Penat...

Anyway, I was about to say that I am very overwhelmed at the moment because of the fact that my parents are trying so hard to cheer me up. Yes I told them everything. Down to the break up and insecurities and loads of other bullshit I'm going through. They were mostly worried about the insecurities because they still couldn't believe their prized possession daughter feels this way. Every night they'll ask if I'm okay and I'll say I'm fine. But it's true though I'm fine. I don't cry to sleep or anything. But it's just this particular feeling that I feel sometimes, when I'm alone. But there are ways to get rid of it. Like praying, reading the Quran or watch certain videos. I've recently obtained a video of someone who was quite important in my life, wishing me Happy Birthday. And I watch it when I'm down, so I can get back up again :)

I feel like I should write just to express myself. Especially when I'm staying off twitter for a while. I mean, I didn't deactivate my account or anything, I just stayed away from my phone and from scrolling or tweeting anything. I'm also off instagram (except when I want to post pictures of my baked goods). I just think those things are inflicting pain to me as of now, and I really don't need it. It's also a way for me to  train myself to ignore what other people might say about me or not about me. Just clear my thoughts about anybody else but myself. I am in the process of loving myself. Now I feel that Allah loves me :)

Hmm what else should I write...? Ahah

To be honest, I kind of expected this. Not expected... just like... I'm not shocked that this happened. It's bound to happen. I mean, his sweet words. They were so easy for him to say to me. Almost too easy. Almost made up. Almost feel too good to be true. That deep down, I know that he could've said it to just anyone. I mean, that was my FIRST impression of him. A sweet talker, a player. Even throughout the relationship, Mama knows how he is with me. Sometimes she reads my whatsapps with him, and Mama would warn me about these kinds of guys. With mouths that grows flowers or something. She would just warn, and I would be reminded to be careful. And I do. I was careful, not to let myself drown in his words. But at the same time, I guess I couldn't help but to give him a chance to prove that he's different. Not that I was 100% sure that he was different, but I just decided to take that risk. And I was careful. I guess that's why it doesn't hurt so much this time.

You know what they say, if you don't have high expectations, you won't get hurt as much. Right?

I think now, I'm just disappointed with myself. This isn't the first time I've been here. I'm angry that I let myself fall for someone who didn't even know what love is.

Mama says he's a rebound. Is he? A rebound?

Hina

Sehina-hina lelaki, lelaki yang mencabul maruah perempuan.

Apa lagi kalau perempuan yang baik.

As a precaution, just leave me alone.

I have this one friend that I tell everything to, I mean, she knows my deepest thoughts, my deepest regrets, my most ultimate happiness in life. And now I've ruined it, thanks to my big mouth.

I've tried so hard to please this one person that I'd do anything. Just because I thought if I give my all, karma happens and I'd get back what I deserve. I guess that's not how life works.

I've lost more than one person because of this constant need of pleasing someone else. And what ever I do never gets noticed anyway, my effort seems worthless. And now I've risked losing another friend so dear to me.

You know what?

Don't be friends with me. Seriously. Don't tell me anything, don't share with me anything about you cause you'd probably have the risk of me blabbering about it unconsciously. But honestly, it was an honest mistake. I didn't mean to. I guess that's just who I am. And the only way to prevent it is to just stop talking to me. Stop being friends with me. I'll probably be better off alone. All I am is a burden to other people. A second choice. A mistake.

I am such a bad friend. I don't deserve anyone in my life. So as a precaution, just leave me alone.

Do I really want to...

So, I've realized something. I can actually determine my happiness level according to the number of entries I post within a year. I mean there's quite a lot of posts this year. The last time I had this much posts was when I broke with my previous boyfriend. Does that mean... I'm unhappy?

One quick question: Does the pressure of going through a hard time with the person you love drifts you a part, or make you stronger? Because, you know, there are two options when you're under pressure. Pressure can break, pressure can also build.

That wasn't a quick one eh? Hihi

By now, everybody knows my long term goal right? The compact version would be "Creating a happy family with my soulmate." I wanted to put 'well rounded' but that would sound too... academic. Haha. Anyway. To be honest, I know just how to achieve that, it's not guaranteed fool-proof, but I do know how to work towards it. But somehow, I keep on falling a long the way. I mean, I always find myself off track. I find myself doing things that would lead me away from that road. And by the time I realized it, it's too late for me to change. Currently, I'm off course and it makes me so sad.

Commercial: Since I've been blogging a lot, I'm gonna make this an opportunity for me to improve my English (if you noticed) my previous entries are usually abundant with grammatical errors (probably due to emotional excuses).

Okay I can try to mind my grammar here. But coherency... not so much. Cause my mind is hectic like that, so bare with me. It's like I'm trying to write an essay with thesis statements and whatnot right?

There's something I want to say. Actually, most of the things that I want to say are just bits and pieces. They might not make much sense if you put them together (lack of coherency, I know) but if you look at it again I swear it's all related. I guess only mind can decode it.

"Do I really want to marry a guy like this? Do I want to marry a guy that looks at other girl's butt? Would you want to let your husband see yourself if you already know he wants something else, but not you?"

Regret maybe?

What was I thinking? Leaving a 5-year-relationship to be with someone I barely know?

I'm tasting something.

Something I've never tasted before, I think.

Regret maybe?

Tak Rugi Pun

Some people say, ruginya bercinta bertahun-tahun tapi tak kahwin pun in the end.

But..

I mean...

Kenapa nak rugi? The years spent was happy memories kan? You loved him/her once kan? Apa yang rugi?

Eventhough we're not together anymore, I cherish every memory I have with everyone I've been with. They made me happy once, and there's nothing to regret about that.

I never end my stories anyway

There's this story that has been in my head for a while. I just don't have the time to write out. So here's a teaser. The title is just temporary, cause it's too corny and I don't have anything else for now lol. Nama character pun takde lagi trolololol.

On the phone
Hero: Saya nak baliklah weekend ni.
Heroin: Rumah awak? Oh. Hmm saya tak balik kot, nak buat EE lah weekend ni.
Hero: Takkan saya nak balik Kelantan. Rumah awak la.
Heroin: Hmm kalau awak nak spend weekend ni dgn ibu abah, sila lah.
Hero: Alaaa jom laaaa macam lah tak boleh buat EE kat rumah.
Heroin: Memang tak boleh pun. Benda lain yang saya buat karang.
Hero: Jumaat ni balik, saya drive. Bye. Assalamualaikum.
Heroin:...

Rumah
Smpai rumah, heroin masak. Hero tunggu sambil tengok tv. Heroin hidang lauk kat meja. Hero dah sedia tunggu kat meja dan makan dengan berseleranya.

Heroin: Puas hati?
Hero: *buat muka blur tak faham* Hah?
Heroin: Suka la tu, saya tak buat EE sebab nak masak untuk awak.
Hero: *sengih* Eh....
Heroin: Awak ingat saya tak tau awak nak balik sebab ni.
Hero: Saya memang suka awak masak pun
Heroin: Takde lah smpai paksa saya balik rumah. Dah awak complain DS tak sedap the whole week ni, terpaksa saya korbankan EE.
Hero: Malam ni saya tolong awak eh hehe

Hero terus makan dengan lahapnya

*TEASER END*

To be honest, I don't think there will ever be a written form of this story cause my life is just too hectic. The least I can do is just a part of the story. I never end all my stories anyway.

I Have No Idea What Will Happen To Me

I’m at the surau now and there’s no internet as I’m writing. But it’s okay, I’ll post this when my broadband is alive again later. For now, I just really need to pour my heart out.

So remember the last time I post? Yeah, a few hours after that, he texted me. At first we were apologizing for the fight and everything. But I don’t know what came over him, somehow the conversation led to a break up. I immediately asked him will it be for good? And he said only temporary because he still insist on marrying me. After a long talk, it seems like the point of the break up was to concentrate on our studies since all the relationship is doing to us (me especially) is disturbing because we keep fighting all the time, then I can’t do my work and stuff. And I also keep saying that I’m unhappy. So maybe we should break up.

I did think about that a lot lately, I mean before he asked for it. Because it is frankly disturbing me and as I said before I don’t have time for things like this. So I just went along with it and thought it was the best decision at the time. To be honest I was not actually aware of the term break up at the time because I mean, what does a break mean? No contacting? No seeing each other? No what? But what I assume was no contacting and you know, the normal breaking up. Oh he also said that this temporary break is meant to be until the semester ends. Then he’ll be bouncing back to me. Doesn't it sound so easy when he says it?

The night of the break up, I was back in college. I felt miserable as soon as I left my family (cause I had to be in college of course). My roommate wasn’t around cause she went somewhere I don’t know. But when she came back, she gave me Chatime and said it was from him. I mean… what is that? I was confused at the time but ignored it. Oh he also texted me the evening before, which was confusing too. I ignored everything. Until I saw his tweets seemed like he was sad. So I called him and asked what he really wants. He was still on with the break. He just needs getting used to, and he still thinks it’s the best.

Now, the reason I want to write here is… (wow it’s like 3^rd paragraph or something and now I’m starting? Lol) what happened during the break. Today is the 4^th day. I have been here before, after a break. It feels the exact same way. I can’t eat, I feel like puking all the time. The ‘puky’ feeling is COMPLETELY THE SAME when I last break up. Seriously. Like the uneasy feeling in my tummy.

One time I was walking by like a normal person but then my classmates  passed by and said “ Jangan la sedih macam ni”. I didn’t even realize I was making a sad face or whatever sad gestures. Or is it the aura? Can other people feel it?

Since the break I’ve been talking to a lot of people especially my classmates about it. And I needed that. I need to talk it out with people and I can’t let it terperap in me. That’s just not me. Or else I’ll blow up. I also talked to Mama about it a lot. Ayah too. A mature perspective.

Overall, most of the time I have this conflict in myself where I argue whether I should be happy and ignore it or over thinking and be sad. As of now, I feel fine. I don’t know. It’s a roller coaster of mood swings. He still texts me every day, just less than usual and no loved dovey stuff.

I have no idea what will happen to me. Blergh.

My English is all over the place. But I don’t care because I just want to let this out.

Can I Force Myself To Be Happy

There are so many things to say. And I know anybody who reads this would never understand the whole story because all I do is just putting bits of pieces that are incomplete. But sometimes, I need to let it out somewhere and those times come when I have no one else to talk it out with (except for Allah, of course). I still feel the need of a companion though.

I almost forgot what it's like to write out private things in your mind. I have twitter now, and yes that's where I express myself. But it's not the same like writing in my blog. This is my attempt to make myself feel better. Because I lost this person that I can express myself with. Not exactly lost, but I just can't talk to him now. What I mean by 'lost' is also the fact that he's not who he is anymore. Not the guy I fell for in the first place.

(Maybe I'm crapping because I'm currently hormonal, but I don't know...)

So he lost his grandmother last 2 weeks. He has changed a lot since then. But for the first week, I tried my best to understand his conditions, and try to understand how he feels. But I failed miserably. I have never had any one close to me died. It was also his birthday the day before the death and apparently this makes it worse. He wasn't close with his grandma but he was sad mostly because he couldn't stand seeing his mother cry that much, same goes for his family. I don't exactly know how to explain how he changed, but basically he just became melancholy (not the right word, but this is the only one I think that fits). He used to make me happy but now it's just isn't working.

I have a workload that just indicates how much I don't have time for this. But I haven't touch any of my homework this weekend. Instead I've been mourning and depressed the whole time. This is bad because it's affecting my studies. Frankly I shouldn't be worrying about this when my EE (4000 words extended essay) is due tomorrow! I finished the complete draft but I sent it to my advisor last week and she asked me to edit it. Exams are in about 2 months time. I don't have time for this!!!! But the truth is, I am WEAK. I can't handle this. I can't concentrate on anything when I'm sad. It's such a bad trait. I was never strong enough to switch off my feelings when I needed to. I don't know how my friends do it. I actually have a friend who just broke up with her boyfriend and the next day she completed her EE. Like seriously, I wish I could do that. She said she tried her best to occupy herself with more important things so she wouldn't think about it too much. Why can't I ever do that? Ugh. It's just the complete opposite when it comes to me.

On another note, to be honest, there are times when I think about what happens when we break up and every time, I remind myself that if that happens, that's a sign from Allah that he wants me to be a better person. I know deep inside that being with him before marriage is wrong. I completely understand that. But I also come to terms that that's my weakness. So in this situation, I should think positively, where, Allah is taking him away from me slowly, so I could focus more to Him, The Almighty. I tried my best to think this way, in this kind of situation, but it just never lasts. I always end up yearning for more. Why am I so weak? Ya Allah, grant me strength. (This line is just so dramatic, but still...)

Lately, I've been comparing him to my ex. It's bad and insulting and mean and all things evil, but I couldn't help it. It just makes me think did I make the right decision? I mean, I left an almost-5-year-relationship for a guy I barely knew. Of course this notion will be running through my mind. Did I make a mistake? I know I can never go back. But I did once promise, that if we find our way back together, then so be it. Life can be so unexpected. But didn't I learn my lesson the first time. When am I going to GET IT? I'm so stupid, making decisions based on emotions. Easily mystified and falling for sweet words. So naive. I need to grow up really.

I thought when I find someone new, I could get rid of my bad habit of controlling people's life, over thinking, egoistical, over-jealous, all these bad things I do in a relationship. I wasn't at first. But as I get to love him more, these habit just keep resurfacing. Why? Grow up please Amirah. How am I gonna get married if I'm so intolerant? Astaghfirullah. I don't know how to get rid of it.

Seriously, there are more things to be written. But I should be focusing on my EE. I need to force myself. But can I force myself to be happy?