Zara

*cough cough. Rase macam nak post Zara la. Walaupun tak siap lagi. Hehe.

___________________________________________________________________________________

“Are you okay?” he asks

“Of course.” Even when I’m not. It’s too cold here. But I feel bad making him miss the movie. I’m always such a fuss.

“You’re practically trembling. We’re leaving.” He stands up.

I pull his hands down. “I’m fine Zach.”

He grabs my hands and head his way to the exit door. Once we’re out of the cinema, my body receives heat and I feel so much better. But at the same time, Zach is glaring at me and that just makes me feel a lot worse.

“You should’ve said something.” He raises his voice.

“Please don’t be mad at me.”

“I’m not mad at you. I’m just mad.”

“I’m sorry.”

“We are not going to the movies ever again.”

“Look, I just forgot my meds, that’s all. We can see the movie another time.”

“You forgot your meds?!”

Shit. I shouldn’t have said that. Ugh, why do I always make things worse? By now, we are sitting on the bench outside the cinema. He’s going through my bag searching for my pills. I feel dizzy. I say this out loud. When I open my eyes, he was no where to be seen. I shut them back.

“Here.” He gives me a bottle of water and hands me the pills. “Sorry I left you. I didn’t bring any water so I bought it there.” He points at a shop.

It took a few minutes before my head is stabilized and I can function normally. I apologized again.

“It’s not your fault.” He’s probably calmed down already. If he’s still mad, he would’ve lectured me.

“I knew you want to watch the movie.”

“The movie is not important. I can buy a DVD later and watch it at your house.”

“But we never watch movies together.”

“Yes we do. We watched Adventureland at your house. And Juno, and 10 Things I Hate About You, remember?”

“That doesn’t count. We never go on dates like this. Like going to the movies, or ice skating, or going to the theme park.” I was fighting back tears.

“It’s because we can’t.”

“NO! You can. I can’t.” He hugs me and I bury my face in his broad chest. I hug him back, tight. He’s so tall. I have to tilt my head up to see his face. His eyebrows pull together in a frown. He caresses my flowing red hair. I put my hands on his muscled neck.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t.” Cause it’s the one thing I don’t need from him.
_______________________________________________________________________________

From the dramatic scene above, you probably know that there is something wrong with me. Well, you’re right. There is something definitely wrong with me. I don’t like telling these things to other people. Because they tend to feel sorry for me. And I just simply don’t like it. I’m just the way I am and I don’t need your sympathy. But in order for you to understand this sad story, I have to tell you the information you need. Before the dramatic introduction, let me tell you this: I’m Zara.

I have a rare disease. I don’t remember what it’s called cause the name is too long. I leave it to Zach. The main thing about this disease is that I’m always cold. There is not a day when I feel hot. It’s internal. It has nothing to do with the outside world. Basically my temperature drops form time to time. There are a few side effects when my temperature is too low. I get dizzy, no appetite. Zach once told me that I’m so short because of the disease. The temperature won’t let me grow up. Physically, though. Because, mentally, I’m much more mature than you think I am.

This sickness could’ve killed me years ago. So, you must be wondering how I get to be alive. It’s all thanks to Zach. He’s my doctor. He knows the name of the disease, of course. He takes care of everything for me. You can say he’s my guardian angel, but I think it’s completely cheesy. One important thing you need to know about Zach is that he’s warm. Not just his personality, he’s simply warm. I go to him when it’s especially cold, literally. Zach is tall. He’s like the tallest man on earth. I wonder how he’d end up with me.

I met him when I was little. I don’t remember what age. You can ask Zach. He remembers everything. My father contacted him and asked him to treat me personally. He rejected at first because he only served for the army, as a doctor. But my father was willing to pay any price to have him. Then, he accepted the job.

When I was little, he treated me like his younger sister. I didn’t see him that way. I saw him as this weird freakishly tall doctor who keeps reminding me to take my meds. He was very young then, very much handsome and mature-looking. My teachers used to flirt with him when he sent me to school. Since I wasn’t that very much into him, he tried to get closer to me and tried making me like him. Maybe it’s because he knew he would be working with me for quite a long period of time. So, he needed to make me easier to live with. He would buy me ice-cream after school even though Daddy won’t let me. He would play Barbie or tea time with me. That’s what he told me. I couldn’t remember a thing. I asked him if I ever like put make up on him and he said I never because I don’t like make up. He was my constant companion. Sometimes, he’s the father figure when daddy was always not around. But I don’t like to think that way. But sometimes, it seems that way.

When I turned thirteen, he became my friend. At first, I didn’t want to tell him about anything. I still treated him as my friend, though. But since he was always around when I had problems, I confided in him and cried my heart out at him. The weird thing is he would always listen to me, even if my problems were stupid. Then he became my best friend. We hung out together at the mall. He was the first person that I told about my crush. He braids my hair at night when we’re having a slumber party. This might be very unusual to you but he was the first person who found out when I got my period. He told me everything about it since he knows cause he’s a doctor. That was how close I was to him.

When I was fifteen, there was a girl in class who said I was a lesbian. I denied it.

“Then why don’t you have a boyfriend?” she asked.

“I don’t need one.”

“Of course you don’t because you need a girlfriend.” The whole class laughed.

“You’re wrong.” I didn’t know what else to say to fight back.

“Do you know that you’re the only girl in class who never had a boyfriend? We never even heard you having a crush on someone.”

“That’s because I don’t tell you.”

“Then who do you tell?”

I was about to answer ‘Zach’. But I knew they know nothing of Zach so I kept my mouth shut and what they think remains the same; I was a lesbian. When Zach picked me up from school, I told him this. He asked me was I hurt by the confrontation. I said no because it wasn’t true. Usually when I tell Zach about something, the thing would be over. But this thing got me thinking. It was in my head at all times. And I don’t think talking to Zach about this would make it go away. So I talked to a girl, my best friend, at school.

“April!” that’s her name. “Wait up.”

She turned to look at me. “What up?”

“can I talk to you somewhere?”

“Sure.” We walked to a bench at the school garden.

“You know the other day about the lesbian thing?”

“Yeah. It was last week right? Oh my god, you really are…”

“NO! I’m not. I just need someone to talk to right now. Because my head is… messy.”

“What’s wrong you like a boy?”

“Well, I’ve always liked him.”

“Who is it?”

“You know Zach?”

“That old guy?”

“Yeah. The bully, what was her name?”

“Georgia.”

“Yeah. She got me thinking.”

“About what?”

“Could I’ve… fallen in love with Zach?”

“Eeeww, that’s gross.”

“Why?”

“He’s so old.”

Talking to April was useless, she would never understand. I sighed. “Never mind.”

“But… no matter how gross it is, it makes sense if you fall in love with him. I mean, he’s always around right?”

“Yes. What should I do?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do YOU do when you fall in love with a guy?”

“I never actually have fallen in love with a guy but if I like someone I tell him the truth.”

“Should I tell him?”

“I think it’s better if you know what he feels about you first.”

“Okay. Thanks April.”

And that was the first time I had a deep conversation with a girl. I used to talk about these things with Zach. I hate the feeling. I always get to tell him everything; but I couldn’t tell him this one thing.

After that, I acted like nothing happened. I walked around with him like everything was fine even though I feel like my inside was about to burst. It sucked, real bad. And I had to endure for 2 weeks. And then the ball came.

"There was a moment of silence, but it wasn't uneasy."

I found it in one of the books I read. It was Amy's.
I just like the phrase. And it's hard to get to that point in a relationship. Any kinds of relationship.
That point where when no one speaks and there is only the two of you, yet there's nothing awkward about that.

People

There are a few types of person (people?).
There's a Book Person, a Music Person, an Art Person and a Talk Person.

I'm a Book and Music Person.
I have a friend who is an Art Person.
I have a friend who is a Talk Person.
I have a friend who is a Music Person.
I have a boyfriend who I think is a Music Person.

I had a friend who I can't figure what kind of person she is.

So,
that's just my point of view.

So Be It

I really can't understand why they don't like him so much. what did he do?

But if you look at it again, I had to wait over a year for my friends to see what I see in him.

It should take probably years for them to see, ain't it?

I know I love him, but I won't tell you that because I know you'll say it's bullshit, I'm still young, we're going to break up one day and you can't wait to see that happen and say 'I told you so.'

I don't care.

Say what you want.

I don't know if I'm ever going to leave him, but I know now I can't live without him.

So be it.