Hina

Sehina-hina lelaki, lelaki yang mencabul maruah perempuan.

Apa lagi kalau perempuan yang baik.

As a precaution, just leave me alone.

I have this one friend that I tell everything to, I mean, she knows my deepest thoughts, my deepest regrets, my most ultimate happiness in life. And now I've ruined it, thanks to my big mouth.

I've tried so hard to please this one person that I'd do anything. Just because I thought if I give my all, karma happens and I'd get back what I deserve. I guess that's not how life works.

I've lost more than one person because of this constant need of pleasing someone else. And what ever I do never gets noticed anyway, my effort seems worthless. And now I've risked losing another friend so dear to me.

You know what?

Don't be friends with me. Seriously. Don't tell me anything, don't share with me anything about you cause you'd probably have the risk of me blabbering about it unconsciously. But honestly, it was an honest mistake. I didn't mean to. I guess that's just who I am. And the only way to prevent it is to just stop talking to me. Stop being friends with me. I'll probably be better off alone. All I am is a burden to other people. A second choice. A mistake.

I am such a bad friend. I don't deserve anyone in my life. So as a precaution, just leave me alone.

Do I really want to...

So, I've realized something. I can actually determine my happiness level according to the number of entries I post within a year. I mean there's quite a lot of posts this year. The last time I had this much posts was when I broke with my previous boyfriend. Does that mean... I'm unhappy?

One quick question: Does the pressure of going through a hard time with the person you love drifts you a part, or make you stronger? Because, you know, there are two options when you're under pressure. Pressure can break, pressure can also build.

That wasn't a quick one eh? Hihi

By now, everybody knows my long term goal right? The compact version would be "Creating a happy family with my soulmate." I wanted to put 'well rounded' but that would sound too... academic. Haha. Anyway. To be honest, I know just how to achieve that, it's not guaranteed fool-proof, but I do know how to work towards it. But somehow, I keep on falling a long the way. I mean, I always find myself off track. I find myself doing things that would lead me away from that road. And by the time I realized it, it's too late for me to change. Currently, I'm off course and it makes me so sad.

Commercial: Since I've been blogging a lot, I'm gonna make this an opportunity for me to improve my English (if you noticed) my previous entries are usually abundant with grammatical errors (probably due to emotional excuses).

Okay I can try to mind my grammar here. But coherency... not so much. Cause my mind is hectic like that, so bare with me. It's like I'm trying to write an essay with thesis statements and whatnot right?

There's something I want to say. Actually, most of the things that I want to say are just bits and pieces. They might not make much sense if you put them together (lack of coherency, I know) but if you look at it again I swear it's all related. I guess only mind can decode it.

"Do I really want to marry a guy like this? Do I want to marry a guy that looks at other girl's butt? Would you want to let your husband see yourself if you already know he wants something else, but not you?"

Regret maybe?

What was I thinking? Leaving a 5-year-relationship to be with someone I barely know?

I'm tasting something.

Something I've never tasted before, I think.

Regret maybe?