When you’re under pressure, it hurts. Inside, usually. But sometimes you can’t simply hide it because it shows on the outside. I’m not talking about crying. That’s just crap, bullshit. Crying is the least of it.
I’m under pressure. And things happen when I’m stressed, like really stressed. There are a few things that I do to prevent too much stress. I brush my teeth. I clean up my room in the middle of the night. And stuff like that.
Wait, there’s something I wanna say. It just won’t come out, yet. Wait. Sigh.
I keep saying I’m hurt. But I said other things too. Like ‘sakit’. It’s true. I’m not hurt. I’m sick.
You know, stuff like that? I get sick when I’m under pressure, when I’m in a lot of stress.
Do you know that? That… that kind of pain? The pain when you feel nausea all the time. You puke. You wake up suddenly in the middle of the night and realize you’re not breathing, and you try so hard to breathe but you just couldn’t. And for a second you thought you’re heart’s not beating. And you feel scared. Its 3 in the morning and you can’t sleep and you feel so alone and it felt like dying but you know it’s just nothing, because the only thing that happened was losing somebody important in you life. Now, why the hell would you stop breathing just cause you lost someone? Right? It’s absurd.
And you wait from 3 a.m. to 8 a.m. and thinking should I wake up? You want to wake up, but if you think again, what will happen to you if you wake up now? Would anybody care if you wake up now? And yes, there are some people who would care. But what about him? Would he care? It’s stupid and absurd. But things like this crossed your mind every morning.
You cant sleep, its 8 a.m, and you’re still in bed. And you feel itchy all over your body. And you feel nausea again. Your back hurts. And your eyes hurt too, they’re all puffy red. And at last, you’re still gonna wake up and finding yourself kneeling on the bathroom floor with your head in the toilet’s bowl. Something is trying to get out of you. You don’t knw what it is and it’s probably the pain that’s trying to go away. But you won’t let it, because the process of it going away is painful itself. Sigh.
Do you understand me? That kind of pain. This crap I’m writing is somewhat an explanation of this ‘sakit’ I’m having. Do you get me? Because I don’t think there is any other way for me to tell you what is happening to me. You think I’m hurt. No I’m not. I just don’t know how to tell you this. All I know is I told you, aku sakit. It’s a word for ‘hurt’ and ‘sick’. Its either I’m hurt or I’m sick. And you think I’m hurt. No, I’m not. I’m sick. I told you.
I didn’t ask for this. Once, I told you that I know what is gonna happen when you hurt me like this. And this happens. I just… *sigh I didn’t ask for this.
