There are so many things to say. And I know anybody who reads this would never understand the whole story because all I do is just putting bits of pieces that are incomplete. But sometimes, I need to let it out somewhere and those times come when I have no one else to talk it out with (except for Allah, of course). I still feel the need of a companion though.
I almost forgot what it's like to write out private things in your mind. I have twitter now, and yes that's where I express myself. But it's not the same like writing in my blog. This is my attempt to make myself feel better. Because I lost this person that I can express myself with. Not exactly lost, but I just can't talk to him now. What I mean by 'lost' is also the fact that he's not who he is anymore. Not the guy I fell for in the first place.
(Maybe I'm crapping because I'm currently hormonal, but I don't know...)
So he lost his grandmother last 2 weeks. He has changed a lot since then. But for the first week, I tried my best to understand his conditions, and try to understand how he feels. But I failed miserably. I have never had any one close to me died. It was also his birthday the day before the death and apparently this makes it worse. He wasn't close with his grandma but he was sad mostly because he couldn't stand seeing his mother cry that much, same goes for his family. I don't exactly know how to explain how he changed, but basically he just became melancholy (not the right word, but this is the only one I think that fits). He used to make me happy but now it's just isn't working.
I have a workload that just indicates how much I don't have time for this. But I haven't touch any of my homework this weekend. Instead I've been mourning and depressed the whole time. This is bad because it's affecting my studies. Frankly I shouldn't be worrying about this when my EE (4000 words extended essay) is due tomorrow! I finished the complete draft but I sent it to my advisor last week and she asked me to edit it. Exams are in about 2 months time. I don't have time for this!!!! But the truth is, I am WEAK. I can't handle this. I can't concentrate on anything when I'm sad. It's such a bad trait. I was never strong enough to switch off my feelings when I needed to. I don't know how my friends do it. I actually have a friend who just broke up with her boyfriend and the next day she completed her EE. Like seriously, I wish I could do that. She said she tried her best to occupy herself with more important things so she wouldn't think about it too much. Why can't I ever do that? Ugh. It's just the complete opposite when it comes to me.
On another note, to be honest, there are times when I think about what happens when we break up and every time, I remind myself that if that happens, that's a sign from Allah that he wants me to be a better person. I know deep inside that being with him before marriage is wrong. I completely understand that. But I also come to terms that that's my weakness. So in this situation, I should think positively, where, Allah is taking him away from me slowly, so I could focus more to Him, The Almighty. I tried my best to think this way, in this kind of situation, but it just never lasts. I always end up yearning for more. Why am I so weak? Ya Allah, grant me strength. (This line is just so dramatic, but still...)
Lately, I've been comparing him to my ex. It's bad and insulting and mean and all things evil, but I couldn't help it. It just makes me think did I make the right decision? I mean, I left an almost-5-year-relationship for a guy I barely knew. Of course this notion will be running through my mind. Did I make a mistake? I know I can never go back. But I did once promise, that if we find our way back together, then so be it. Life can be so unexpected. But didn't I learn my lesson the first time. When am I going to GET IT? I'm so stupid, making decisions based on emotions. Easily mystified and falling for sweet words. So naive. I need to grow up really.
I thought when I find someone new, I could get rid of my bad habit of controlling people's life, over thinking, egoistical, over-jealous, all these bad things I do in a relationship. I wasn't at first. But as I get to love him more, these habit just keep resurfacing. Why? Grow up please Amirah. How am I gonna get married if I'm so intolerant? Astaghfirullah. I don't know how to get rid of it.
Seriously, there are more things to be written. But I should be focusing on my EE. I need to force myself. But can I force myself to be happy?
