I’m
at the surau now and there’s no internet as I’m writing. But it’s okay, I’ll
post this when my broadband is alive again later. For now, I just really need
to pour my heart out.
So
remember the last time I post? Yeah, a few hours after that, he texted me. At
first we were apologizing for the fight and everything. But I don’t know what
came over him, somehow the conversation led to a break up. I immediately asked
him will it be for good? And he said only temporary because he still insist on
marrying me. After a long talk, it seems like the point of the break up was to
concentrate on our studies since all the relationship is doing to us (me
especially) is disturbing because we keep fighting all the time, then I can’t
do my work and stuff. And I also keep saying that I’m unhappy. So maybe we
should break up.
I did
think about that a lot lately, I mean before he asked for it. Because it is
frankly disturbing me and as I said before I don’t have time for things like
this. So I just went along with it and thought it was the best decision at the
time. To be honest I was not actually aware of the term break up at the time
because I mean, what does a break mean? No contacting? No seeing each other? No
what? But what I assume was no contacting and you know, the normal breaking up.
Oh he also said that this temporary break is meant to be until the semester
ends. Then he’ll be bouncing back to me. Doesn't it sound so easy when he says
it?
The
night of the break up, I was back in college. I felt miserable as soon as I left
my family (cause I had to be in college of course). My roommate wasn’t around
cause she went somewhere I don’t know. But when she came back, she gave me
Chatime and said it was from him. I mean… what is that? I was confused at the
time but ignored it. Oh he also texted me the evening before, which was
confusing too. I ignored everything. Until I saw his tweets seemed like he was
sad. So I called him and asked what he really wants. He was still on with the
break. He just needs getting used to, and he still thinks it’s the best.
Now,
the reason I want to write here is… (wow it’s like 3rd paragraph or
something and now I’m starting? Lol) what happened during the break. Today is
the 4th day. I have been here before, after a break. It feels the
exact same way. I can’t eat, I feel like puking all the time. The ‘puky’
feeling is COMPLETELY THE SAME when I last break up. Seriously. Like the uneasy
feeling in my tummy.
One
time I was walking by like a normal person but then my classmates passed by and said “ Jangan la sedih macam
ni”. I didn’t even realize I was making a sad face or whatever sad gestures. Or
is it the aura? Can other people feel it?
Since
the break I’ve been talking to a lot of people especially my classmates about
it. And I needed that. I need to talk it out with people and I can’t let it
terperap in me. That’s just not me. Or else I’ll blow up. I also talked to Mama
about it a lot. Ayah too. A mature perspective.
Overall,
most of the time I have this conflict in myself where I argue whether I should
be happy and ignore it or over thinking and be sad. As of now, I feel fine. I
don’t know. It’s a roller coaster of mood swings. He still texts me every day,
just less than usual and no loved dovey stuff.
I
have no idea what will happen to me. Blergh.
My
English is all over the place. But I don’t care because I just want to let this
out.
