Do I really want to...

So, I've realized something. I can actually determine my happiness level according to the number of entries I post within a year. I mean there's quite a lot of posts this year. The last time I had this much posts was when I broke with my previous boyfriend. Does that mean... I'm unhappy?

One quick question: Does the pressure of going through a hard time with the person you love drifts you a part, or make you stronger? Because, you know, there are two options when you're under pressure. Pressure can break, pressure can also build.

That wasn't a quick one eh? Hihi

By now, everybody knows my long term goal right? The compact version would be "Creating a happy family with my soulmate." I wanted to put 'well rounded' but that would sound too... academic. Haha. Anyway. To be honest, I know just how to achieve that, it's not guaranteed fool-proof, but I do know how to work towards it. But somehow, I keep on falling a long the way. I mean, I always find myself off track. I find myself doing things that would lead me away from that road. And by the time I realized it, it's too late for me to change. Currently, I'm off course and it makes me so sad.

Commercial: Since I've been blogging a lot, I'm gonna make this an opportunity for me to improve my English (if you noticed) my previous entries are usually abundant with grammatical errors (probably due to emotional excuses).

Okay I can try to mind my grammar here. But coherency... not so much. Cause my mind is hectic like that, so bare with me. It's like I'm trying to write an essay with thesis statements and whatnot right?

There's something I want to say. Actually, most of the things that I want to say are just bits and pieces. They might not make much sense if you put them together (lack of coherency, I know) but if you look at it again I swear it's all related. I guess only mind can decode it.

"Do I really want to marry a guy like this? Do I want to marry a guy that looks at other girl's butt? Would you want to let your husband see yourself if you already know he wants something else, but not you?"

Regret maybe?

What was I thinking? Leaving a 5-year-relationship to be with someone I barely know?

I'm tasting something.

Something I've never tasted before, I think.

Regret maybe?

Tak Rugi Pun

Some people say, ruginya bercinta bertahun-tahun tapi tak kahwin pun in the end.

But..

I mean...

Kenapa nak rugi? The years spent was happy memories kan? You loved him/her once kan? Apa yang rugi?

Eventhough we're not together anymore, I cherish every memory I have with everyone I've been with. They made me happy once, and there's nothing to regret about that.

I never end my stories anyway

There's this story that has been in my head for a while. I just don't have the time to write out. So here's a teaser. The title is just temporary, cause it's too corny and I don't have anything else for now lol. Nama character pun takde lagi trolololol.

On the phone
Hero: Saya nak baliklah weekend ni.
Heroin: Rumah awak? Oh. Hmm saya tak balik kot, nak buat EE lah weekend ni.
Hero: Takkan saya nak balik Kelantan. Rumah awak la.
Heroin: Hmm kalau awak nak spend weekend ni dgn ibu abah, sila lah.
Hero: Alaaa jom laaaa macam lah tak boleh buat EE kat rumah.
Heroin: Memang tak boleh pun. Benda lain yang saya buat karang.
Hero: Jumaat ni balik, saya drive. Bye. Assalamualaikum.
Heroin:...

Rumah
Smpai rumah, heroin masak. Hero tunggu sambil tengok tv. Heroin hidang lauk kat meja. Hero dah sedia tunggu kat meja dan makan dengan berseleranya.

Heroin: Puas hati?
Hero: *buat muka blur tak faham* Hah?
Heroin: Suka la tu, saya tak buat EE sebab nak masak untuk awak.
Hero: *sengih* Eh....
Heroin: Awak ingat saya tak tau awak nak balik sebab ni.
Hero: Saya memang suka awak masak pun
Heroin: Takde lah smpai paksa saya balik rumah. Dah awak complain DS tak sedap the whole week ni, terpaksa saya korbankan EE.
Hero: Malam ni saya tolong awak eh hehe

Hero terus makan dengan lahapnya

*TEASER END*

To be honest, I don't think there will ever be a written form of this story cause my life is just too hectic. The least I can do is just a part of the story. I never end all my stories anyway.

I Have No Idea What Will Happen To Me

I’m at the surau now and there’s no internet as I’m writing. But it’s okay, I’ll post this when my broadband is alive again later. For now, I just really need to pour my heart out.

So remember the last time I post? Yeah, a few hours after that, he texted me. At first we were apologizing for the fight and everything. But I don’t know what came over him, somehow the conversation led to a break up. I immediately asked him will it be for good? And he said only temporary because he still insist on marrying me. After a long talk, it seems like the point of the break up was to concentrate on our studies since all the relationship is doing to us (me especially) is disturbing because we keep fighting all the time, then I can’t do my work and stuff. And I also keep saying that I’m unhappy. So maybe we should break up.

I did think about that a lot lately, I mean before he asked for it. Because it is frankly disturbing me and as I said before I don’t have time for things like this. So I just went along with it and thought it was the best decision at the time. To be honest I was not actually aware of the term break up at the time because I mean, what does a break mean? No contacting? No seeing each other? No what? But what I assume was no contacting and you know, the normal breaking up. Oh he also said that this temporary break is meant to be until the semester ends. Then he’ll be bouncing back to me. Doesn't it sound so easy when he says it?

The night of the break up, I was back in college. I felt miserable as soon as I left my family (cause I had to be in college of course). My roommate wasn’t around cause she went somewhere I don’t know. But when she came back, she gave me Chatime and said it was from him. I mean… what is that? I was confused at the time but ignored it. Oh he also texted me the evening before, which was confusing too. I ignored everything. Until I saw his tweets seemed like he was sad. So I called him and asked what he really wants. He was still on with the break. He just needs getting used to, and he still thinks it’s the best.

Now, the reason I want to write here is… (wow it’s like 3^rd paragraph or something and now I’m starting? Lol) what happened during the break. Today is the 4^th day. I have been here before, after a break. It feels the exact same way. I can’t eat, I feel like puking all the time. The ‘puky’ feeling is COMPLETELY THE SAME when I last break up. Seriously. Like the uneasy feeling in my tummy.

One time I was walking by like a normal person but then my classmates  passed by and said “ Jangan la sedih macam ni”. I didn’t even realize I was making a sad face or whatever sad gestures. Or is it the aura? Can other people feel it?

Since the break I’ve been talking to a lot of people especially my classmates about it. And I needed that. I need to talk it out with people and I can’t let it terperap in me. That’s just not me. Or else I’ll blow up. I also talked to Mama about it a lot. Ayah too. A mature perspective.

Overall, most of the time I have this conflict in myself where I argue whether I should be happy and ignore it or over thinking and be sad. As of now, I feel fine. I don’t know. It’s a roller coaster of mood swings. He still texts me every day, just less than usual and no loved dovey stuff.

I have no idea what will happen to me. Blergh.

My English is all over the place. But I don’t care because I just want to let this out.

Can I Force Myself To Be Happy

There are so many things to say. And I know anybody who reads this would never understand the whole story because all I do is just putting bits of pieces that are incomplete. But sometimes, I need to let it out somewhere and those times come when I have no one else to talk it out with (except for Allah, of course). I still feel the need of a companion though.

I almost forgot what it's like to write out private things in your mind. I have twitter now, and yes that's where I express myself. But it's not the same like writing in my blog. This is my attempt to make myself feel better. Because I lost this person that I can express myself with. Not exactly lost, but I just can't talk to him now. What I mean by 'lost' is also the fact that he's not who he is anymore. Not the guy I fell for in the first place.

(Maybe I'm crapping because I'm currently hormonal, but I don't know...)

So he lost his grandmother last 2 weeks. He has changed a lot since then. But for the first week, I tried my best to understand his conditions, and try to understand how he feels. But I failed miserably. I have never had any one close to me died. It was also his birthday the day before the death and apparently this makes it worse. He wasn't close with his grandma but he was sad mostly because he couldn't stand seeing his mother cry that much, same goes for his family. I don't exactly know how to explain how he changed, but basically he just became melancholy (not the right word, but this is the only one I think that fits). He used to make me happy but now it's just isn't working.

I have a workload that just indicates how much I don't have time for this. But I haven't touch any of my homework this weekend. Instead I've been mourning and depressed the whole time. This is bad because it's affecting my studies. Frankly I shouldn't be worrying about this when my EE (4000 words extended essay) is due tomorrow! I finished the complete draft but I sent it to my advisor last week and she asked me to edit it. Exams are in about 2 months time. I don't have time for this!!!! But the truth is, I am WEAK. I can't handle this. I can't concentrate on anything when I'm sad. It's such a bad trait. I was never strong enough to switch off my feelings when I needed to. I don't know how my friends do it. I actually have a friend who just broke up with her boyfriend and the next day she completed her EE. Like seriously, I wish I could do that. She said she tried her best to occupy herself with more important things so she wouldn't think about it too much. Why can't I ever do that? Ugh. It's just the complete opposite when it comes to me.

On another note, to be honest, there are times when I think about what happens when we break up and every time, I remind myself that if that happens, that's a sign from Allah that he wants me to be a better person. I know deep inside that being with him before marriage is wrong. I completely understand that. But I also come to terms that that's my weakness. So in this situation, I should think positively, where, Allah is taking him away from me slowly, so I could focus more to Him, The Almighty. I tried my best to think this way, in this kind of situation, but it just never lasts. I always end up yearning for more. Why am I so weak? Ya Allah, grant me strength. (This line is just so dramatic, but still...)

Lately, I've been comparing him to my ex. It's bad and insulting and mean and all things evil, but I couldn't help it. It just makes me think did I make the right decision? I mean, I left an almost-5-year-relationship for a guy I barely knew. Of course this notion will be running through my mind. Did I make a mistake? I know I can never go back. But I did once promise, that if we find our way back together, then so be it. Life can be so unexpected. But didn't I learn my lesson the first time. When am I going to GET IT? I'm so stupid, making decisions based on emotions. Easily mystified and falling for sweet words. So naive. I need to grow up really.

I thought when I find someone new, I could get rid of my bad habit of controlling people's life, over thinking, egoistical, over-jealous, all these bad things I do in a relationship. I wasn't at first. But as I get to love him more, these habit just keep resurfacing. Why? Grow up please Amirah. How am I gonna get married if I'm so intolerant? Astaghfirullah. I don't know how to get rid of it.

Seriously, there are more things to be written. But I should be focusing on my EE. I need to force myself. But can I force myself to be happy?

Achievement

As of now, I have a lot of things in mind that I want to achieve. Not big steps, but small ones. Small changes that could contribute to a bigger impact in my life, just little habits I want to incorporate in my daily life. And I think I need to write it down somewhere, maybe to increase my determination....? Whatever it is, I wish I can accomplish everything in the list below, hopefully, insyaAllah :)

(not in order)

1. Drink more plain water, 8 glass a day.
2. Read Surah Al-Kahf every Friday.
3. Al-Mathurat at least once every Maghrib.
4. Perform solah on time (right after azan ASAP).
5. Jog everyday or at least any simple workout (lunges, sit up)
6. Eat well, clean and healthy food, and do not resort to starving.
7. Save money: don't buy snack at the college's koperasi, and don't get influence by friends to eat at the cafe.
8. Never forget to take supplements everyday: vitamin C, Spirulina, Primrose Oil, Monavi. 
9. ONLY 1 cup/mug of coffee per day
10. Watch my mouth, don't speak/talk/discuss on things that don't matter, especially about other people.

There are a lot more but I can only think of 10 for now. Really hope I can achieve all this. Amin.

p/s: I want flat tummy so bad right now :(

From Another Blog

If a person sets resolutions for themselves and come on and off that resolution, don't laugh at them. At least they are trying, which is more than we can say for ourselves. Support.

This is something I took from amisamsuri.blogspot.com

Read it just now. And it touched me.

Something Else Came Up

I was ready with my broadband and laptop to share something here, but it's about something else. Quite a long story, too.

But right now, I feel so crappy. I can't even tweet about it.

It's so heartbreaking.

That I need to write in a blog to tell this to, instead of someone that... cares. No scratch that.

Someone that I feel comfortable enough letting out the worst of me.

Heartbroken for tonight.

Overthinking.

Going to sleep.

Wake me up when the misery ends :'(

Is is fair to me?

First of all, I’m writing this here because I just feel like I have to let it out somewhere. I’m not that type of person that can keep this big of a deal of a situation to myself. Of course the term doesn’t really suit in this case, because I have told people about how I feel and what actually happened. But somehow, it’s not enough. And I do know why. I tell to the people who weren’t in the equation. Because I know, who do I really want for them to listen to my side of the story, but didn’t care enough to stop and listen.

I tried to put this away, or at least at the back of my mind as I know there are more important things to think about at this point. But frankly, my heart is literally not at ease at this very moment, and I know they don’t feel the same way. I thought maybe by letting it out here, might just be the cure to this heart-ill.

So it started out just by a mere or slight sense of dislike to a particular person who have just walked into my life, and so suddenly become a big part of my life. And at first I found that person to have made me happy. When I realized that feeling, the next that came was that feeling you get when you want to just share to the world how you feel, ‘cause you’re just so happy. In my case, I wanted to tell my friends, one of the groups of people I care most. Do you know what I mean? When there’s something in my life that makes me feel out of this world, and I want to share it with the people I love, just to let them know.  Or at least to consult with them, because they are also the ones that knows who you really are and might be able to help to identify what exactly should I be evaluating here regarding on this new person... I don’t know, something like that, like a friend should be.

Instead, they just reject everything, without even hearing the whole story, without giving the slightest chance. And the worst thing is, at that time, nobody cares to even tell me why. Were there any legitimate reasons to all these doings? Was there anything that I missed? If so, do tell me. They don’t bother to even communicate. I know we’re all bust with each other’s life. But how can I make time to make this work when she simply claims why she would bother about this nonsensical event in her life if it didn’t even give her marks for her assignment. Can you imagine what I feel when she said that? Can you? They say things like this, as if it’s the right thing to say but the truth is it hurts, really deep. I won’t forget it like seriously.

If they had something to say about it, if it upsets them so much, don’t just sweep it off under the rug, don’t ignore it. It won’t go away. Communicate. I also have a friend here, a classmate, who truly cares. As much as I don’t listen to him, I still appreciate his every effort. He had a problem with this new circumstance, and he called me (several times), sat me down to talk, and told me one by one why he disagreed. He talked to me, like adults would if they have a conflict. Maybe I didn’t exactly do what he wants me to do, but at least I know what’s going on and at least it is resolved.

But honestly, when you think about it, is it fair? Think about it. Is it fair to me? Is it fair to him? Please try putting your feet in my shoes right now, imagine all of this being done to you, and how would you feel. Please, try.

But that’s all before this. Now, I have come to terms that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change their minds or change their outlook on this whole thing. Or maybe because it’s too late. Nobody bothered to fix it in the first place, and now it’s unfixable, too complicated. So I have accepted it. I figured there’s no need to worry, I value what we have and I won’t let anything get in the way. I tried. But the problem here is that because of this thing (or maybe not), they have treated me differently, I can feel the tense. At first, all I felt was the fake, ingenuine, as if I’m pretending. But it is true though, I am pretending, pretending like nothing happened. I played along, even though I feel left out, I played along. To a point where I feel discomfort, I figured I should do something because this isn’t fun anymore. I need to do something to make myself feel at least like I fit in. So I approached, I made a move to show that I have interest and I want to know what’s going on, to care. Because that’s what friends do right? And this matter does not have anything to do with the previous problem we’ve encountered before this, nothing. So I don’t understand why they were still blocking me, rejecting me. It’s like they’re telling me to go off. They don’t want to tell me anything anymore. Am I that unimportant to them?

Talking behind my back? We weren’t like this before. How did that happened? I don’t understand. I seriously don’t understand what I did wrong.

Even when all the dissatisfaction put aside, they still treat me this way. I feel like trash.

There is so much left to say, indescribable feelings. But I think I’ve said too much already. I don’t want to give away; I want to keep some things private. But I need to let it out.

Just think about this, ‘Is it fair to me? Is it fair to a human being to be treated this way?  Do I deserve this?’

After going through this for quite some time, I learned that they’re just friends. And friends come and go whether you like it or not. And if you’ve tried hard enough, then you don’t have to blame yourself for what might happen next.

Yes I still care. But I won’t let their negativity towards the current source of happiness in my life, to ruin what I should be happy for. This time I’ll play along, but I wouldn’t put too much hope or be dependent on this. But if I’m sick of pretending, I just don’t have to be around it. And that’s where the big question arrives, can I just leave?