Private

Before I actually type this out, I've already thought about what I would write and at the end of my idea-evolving process, I realized what I'm gonna write out now is quite vain and self-centred, which is something I don't wanna come off as. But this is my blog, (and nobody reads this anyway), so I'm just gonna put it out.

I'm not a private person. Like literally. And sometimes I think society perceives that as something not good. Like somehow you're supposed to try to keep some things in your life private. But it's my life, I'm the one who decides what I want to show people, or which part of me that I feel the need to hide.

A lot of people has told me this; people can see through me. They say it's easy to tell what I'm thinking at the moment or what I feel. Sometimes they say it in a bad way, like it's a bad trait about me. Sometimes, and just some people, say it that way, not all. But in all honesty, I know for myself that I do show people how I feel, especially when it comes to people that I love. Maybe it's because the background of my family, my parents tell me straight out most of the time about how much they love me, like directly say it out loud and I do the same thing too to them. So when I feel affectionate about anyone, in any way (since there's a lot of ways to love a person), I tend to show them.

In some cases maybe it's bad, or embarrassing. For example, when I have a crush on someone. It's not to the point where I actually confess to them the moment I lay my eyes on them (a crush is mostly out of looks right?). It's little things like blushing when he comments a certain something about myself, or when I got caught sneaking a glance at him. Most of the time, I just couldn't stand the happiness that I'm feeling when I see my crush and I tend to express it, and by that I mean, telling the person next to me or some sort. And maybe at one point, everybody else knows how I feel about him, except for him. But I would doubt that cause everyone is in the same circle of friends, he would eventually find out. Is that really bad? I mean it's just a crush that I don't mean to go anywhere with it. Just a normal feeling that might just go away in a month or two.

Another case would be loving my friends. I think I'm the kind of person that have this one person in  a particular stage of my life that I love more than any other people. It may be a bad thing if people can see how I'm biased and then decide it's a rude gesture. Or maybe people don't mind. With this person, I'd get so overly attached but this person, I'll make sure will be the kind of person who don't mind. I think if from the start I know that she wouldn't be able to handle my clingy-ness, I would not even try to start that kind of friendship with her. Alhamdulillah, so far these type of friends are able to bear with me.

I don't even know why I'm writing this out. I don't know why I feel the need to express this out. Maybe I do have a reason, but I trail off track easily.

I've had too many "I thought you loved me"s in a lifetime

So far,
the things that still remind me of you is
Iron Man/ Tony Stark
Red Proton Wira
and Secret's Recipe's Chocolate Banana

sad ain't it?

Take A Bow

This is song is definitely for you. I keep having this cynical laugh eveyrtime I hear the lyrics.

Take A Bow by Rihanna

Oh, how about a round of applause?
Yeah, standing ovation? Ooh, oh yeah
Yeah y-yeah yeah

You look so dumb right now
Standing outside my house
Trying to apologize
You're so ugly when you cry
Please, just cut it out

And don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not
And baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught

But you put on quite a show, really had me going
But now its time to go, curtains finally closing
That was quite a show, very entertaining
But its over now
(But its over now)
Go on and take a bow

Grab your clothes and get gone
You better hurry up before the sprinklers come on
Talking 'bout, Girl, I love you," "You're the one"
This just looks like a rerun
Please, what else is on?

And don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not
And baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught

But you put on quite a show, really had me going
But now its time to go, curtains finally closing
That was quite a show, very entertaining
But its over now
(But its over now)
Go on and take a bow

Oh, and the award for the best liar goes to you
(Goes to you)
For making me believe that you could be faithful to me
Let's hear your speech out

How about a round of applause?
A standing ovation?

But you put on quite a show, really had me going
Now its time to go, curtains finally closing
That was quite a show, very entertaining
But its over now
(But its over now)
Go on and take a bow
But it's over now

STUPID BOYS

The other day, I found out something about my kakak usrah. Before this, I knew that my kakak usrah was kind of engaged to this guy from the same college (they had rings and stuff I think). But they definitely have met each other's parents and planned to get married. But the she told the story, I didn't see it as a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Then, after a while, I found out that they broke up and briefly she told me it was because the guy had found someone else.

So what I found out just the other day, was who the guy was. And who that "other girl" is. And at first I was so pissed at the guy. And when I think again. I am just actually so pissed with stupid immature boys. BOYS. Not men. BOYS. It is so effing stupid to go meet up with her parents and promise you wanna marry her and then suddenly decide you want someone else. It is effing bullshxt.

It just makes me think about this friend that warned me before I got into a relationship. He told me "Lelaki ni semua sampah. Aku pun sampah." And you know what, right now, I completely believe him.

I need to type this here so when some guy wants to approach me, I'll remember how stupid they are, how I should not get involved. I am never gonna fall for boys again. Because they are stupid. They make stupid decisions and are not commited. Never BELIEVE THEM UNLESS THEY WANT TO GET MARRIED, LIKE, RIGHT NOW.

I am forever gonna follow whatever my mom says about boys because she is ALWAYS RIGHT.

I know one day I might just get weak again, I might fall for a guy. But I have friend who will remind me. And I also have this blog to remind me how STUPID THESE BOYS ARE.

Okay, calm down. Astaghfirullah. Sorry for my harsh words.

I'm just preparing myself to be the perfect isteri right now (of course not 'perfect' perfect, you know what I mean). I cook and clean, I listen to my parents. Just basically, doing the things Allah wants me to do. And at the same time practising how to take care of a home, a husband, my children. In shaa Allah. If I put jodoh in Allah's hands and trust Him, in shaa Allah, He will give me what I deserve.

An Inspirational Friend, Test, and Tribulations

So the other day I finally told everything to a friend of mine who I shouldn't be mentioning her name here, I think. She was very inspirational. What happened to her was far worse than what happened to me. She got right back up and was very strong. But that happened way back before, I can't remember when. She finally got over the guy and really changed herself to be a better muslimah. And I am in awe with her achievement. The thing is she told me that everything she does as of today is for the sake of Allah. She didnt care what anybody else thinks, she just do it for herself and for Allah. And now, she seems so happy and she said she is happy. It just makes me confident that I did the right thing leaving him. It makes me feel confident that one day I will achieve the happiness that she's going through now. And I'll be okay. She's like a living proof that Allah's rewards is far better than anything else you plan. He knows more than you. So I should really leave everything to Him and bertawakal.

Anyway after our long and deep conversation, she told me about one of the problem she's having. She said she was grateful that she wore the hijab right after she had that hunch after her break up. Because if she didn't, she doesnt think she would've worn it now. And I asked her why. She said it was because nowadays she feels like it's a burden to wear them. She couldn't wait to go back to her room from class cause she wanted to take them off. Of course, then she'll istighfar and try to purify back her niat. That was one of the obstacle for her to become a better muslimah. She tried very hard to make wearing hijab something she would LIKE to do. So she cut her hair off very short, VERY short. And maybe it looks, insignificant, but personally I believe Allah sees her effort to be better. It seemed small but her heart really wants to do it because of Allah.

Next she told me about this guy that keeps messaging her via Facebook. A senior. He asked for her number, and she didn't give it to him. But the guy keeps contacting her through Facebook. And she tried to make it stop politely. Because she doesn't want t be texting some guy and stuff like that. She really believes that Haram relationship is going no where. So she wants it to stop. As of now, she's still trying to tell the guy politely taht she's not into stuff like flirting or texting or whatever you kids do. I still don't know if that came through.

I want to highlight here is about test and tribulations. My friend's obstacle was about covering her aurah. She wants to with all her heart, but it was difficult for her. As of me, covering my aurah is simple to me I don't mind wearing tudung labuh, or handsocks or socks. I really honestly don't mind. But when it comes to boys, it was so easy for her to just push the guy away because she doesnt want to get involved in a haram relationship. Not that it's difficult for me, but there is always another new guy around the corner and it's so easy for me to just fall for another guy. Everybody else in my life knows this. Even they are sure that there's gonna be another guy coming for me after this break up. It's just the matter of am I gonna turn him down or not. Am I strong enough to push him away? I don't know. And I wish, I PRAY that Allah gives me strength so I wouldn't fall for another guy who is just gonna end up breaking my heart. Like what happened million times before in previous life. I dont want another boy. I want a man, who will treat me right, and straight marry me. I'm just gonna sit quietly until that man comes.

Another point I want to highlight, why I think Allah made this as ujian for me. If I reflect back about my life, my happiness has always been determined by my love life. My mood, everything about me is mostly affected by my love life. So maybe, He gives this ujian (my love life) because He knows this is the only way He can pull me back to Him. He knows this will impact me the most, and I would make the most out of it. Allah loves me that much. Allah wants me to go back to Him. And finally, I am answering His calling.

The Obvious

Let's discuss about something obvious, something I've been avoiding for a very long time but obviously it's just a big elephant in the room. Sigh. There is a very long list of things I just can't right in front of my face. Cause it reminds me of him. Here it goes.

Banana
Filling up my car with gas (cause he was the one that taught me how)
Dota (my brother even stopped playing this holiday because he knew how I felt when he looked at me catching him playing the game)
All the places we've been together (Sunway Pyramid, Curve, Wondermilk, Paradigm etc.) KLCC not so much cause I have so many other memories there.
The DC shop at Pavi cause I bought his birthday present there.
Probably every movie we watched together (Life of Pi, Fast 6, The Croods, Pacific Rim etc.) I can list them all, but nobody cares right?
Ayam Percik
Spaghetti
Damansara (even seeing it on the map, even driving at the same road there)
Joker and Harley Quinn
That place where you cut your hair like Macklemore

Okay I'm done. There are so much more. But I'm just done. Because everytime I think about it. They are all just lies. LIES. None of them were real to him. How can it be, when he doesn't even know what love is?

I know for a fact that he was in my life, not as a LESSON. Because I've been here before. What happened between us, I already learned other guys. This isnt my first time falling in love. Not my first heartbreak. I've had many previous boyfriends who hurt me just the same. So no, this isn't  a lesson. I do think about why he was he in my life. And I think it's because that's what I've been asking for this whole time. Since I was a kid I've been dreaming about having a boyfriend who drives to my house to pick me up and honk his car and I would hear it and ran downstairs to go out for a date with him. A boyfriend who spoils me with gifts and pay for my meal. A boyfriend who brings me to places I've never been. A boyfriend who drowns me with his sweet words.  So maybe God wanted to let have a taste of it. Maybe he was meant to bring me happiness, unfortunately just for a brief moment. Very brief. Maybe God made it brief, so He can give someone better. Someone who suits me well. Someone who don't have to give all that stuff, but loves me, and loves me because of Allah. And this is the only way He can do it.

I found out a lot about him after the break. And I thank Allah that He didn't let me marry that kind of guy.

Is he a rebound?

I was just about to get cozy in my bed to do some blogging and then off to sleep, I don't know why but I'm so sleepy right now, and then abang called to ask me to pick him up in 30 minutes. Blerghhhh. Penat...

Anyway, I was about to say that I am very overwhelmed at the moment because of the fact that my parents are trying so hard to cheer me up. Yes I told them everything. Down to the break up and insecurities and loads of other bullshit I'm going through. They were mostly worried about the insecurities because they still couldn't believe their prized possession daughter feels this way. Every night they'll ask if I'm okay and I'll say I'm fine. But it's true though I'm fine. I don't cry to sleep or anything. But it's just this particular feeling that I feel sometimes, when I'm alone. But there are ways to get rid of it. Like praying, reading the Quran or watch certain videos. I've recently obtained a video of someone who was quite important in my life, wishing me Happy Birthday. And I watch it when I'm down, so I can get back up again :)

I feel like I should write just to express myself. Especially when I'm staying off twitter for a while. I mean, I didn't deactivate my account or anything, I just stayed away from my phone and from scrolling or tweeting anything. I'm also off instagram (except when I want to post pictures of my baked goods). I just think those things are inflicting pain to me as of now, and I really don't need it. It's also a way for me to  train myself to ignore what other people might say about me or not about me. Just clear my thoughts about anybody else but myself. I am in the process of loving myself. Now I feel that Allah loves me :)

Hmm what else should I write...? Ahah

To be honest, I kind of expected this. Not expected... just like... I'm not shocked that this happened. It's bound to happen. I mean, his sweet words. They were so easy for him to say to me. Almost too easy. Almost made up. Almost feel too good to be true. That deep down, I know that he could've said it to just anyone. I mean, that was my FIRST impression of him. A sweet talker, a player. Even throughout the relationship, Mama knows how he is with me. Sometimes she reads my whatsapps with him, and Mama would warn me about these kinds of guys. With mouths that grows flowers or something. She would just warn, and I would be reminded to be careful. And I do. I was careful, not to let myself drown in his words. But at the same time, I guess I couldn't help but to give him a chance to prove that he's different. Not that I was 100% sure that he was different, but I just decided to take that risk. And I was careful. I guess that's why it doesn't hurt so much this time.

You know what they say, if you don't have high expectations, you won't get hurt as much. Right?

I think now, I'm just disappointed with myself. This isn't the first time I've been here. I'm angry that I let myself fall for someone who didn't even know what love is.

Mama says he's a rebound. Is he? A rebound?

Hina

Sehina-hina lelaki, lelaki yang mencabul maruah perempuan.

Apa lagi kalau perempuan yang baik.

As a precaution, just leave me alone.

I have this one friend that I tell everything to, I mean, she knows my deepest thoughts, my deepest regrets, my most ultimate happiness in life. And now I've ruined it, thanks to my big mouth.

I've tried so hard to please this one person that I'd do anything. Just because I thought if I give my all, karma happens and I'd get back what I deserve. I guess that's not how life works.

I've lost more than one person because of this constant need of pleasing someone else. And what ever I do never gets noticed anyway, my effort seems worthless. And now I've risked losing another friend so dear to me.

You know what?

Don't be friends with me. Seriously. Don't tell me anything, don't share with me anything about you cause you'd probably have the risk of me blabbering about it unconsciously. But honestly, it was an honest mistake. I didn't mean to. I guess that's just who I am. And the only way to prevent it is to just stop talking to me. Stop being friends with me. I'll probably be better off alone. All I am is a burden to other people. A second choice. A mistake.

I am such a bad friend. I don't deserve anyone in my life. So as a precaution, just leave me alone.

Do I really want to...

So, I've realized something. I can actually determine my happiness level according to the number of entries I post within a year. I mean there's quite a lot of posts this year. The last time I had this much posts was when I broke with my previous boyfriend. Does that mean... I'm unhappy?

One quick question: Does the pressure of going through a hard time with the person you love drifts you a part, or make you stronger? Because, you know, there are two options when you're under pressure. Pressure can break, pressure can also build.

That wasn't a quick one eh? Hihi

By now, everybody knows my long term goal right? The compact version would be "Creating a happy family with my soulmate." I wanted to put 'well rounded' but that would sound too... academic. Haha. Anyway. To be honest, I know just how to achieve that, it's not guaranteed fool-proof, but I do know how to work towards it. But somehow, I keep on falling a long the way. I mean, I always find myself off track. I find myself doing things that would lead me away from that road. And by the time I realized it, it's too late for me to change. Currently, I'm off course and it makes me so sad.

Commercial: Since I've been blogging a lot, I'm gonna make this an opportunity for me to improve my English (if you noticed) my previous entries are usually abundant with grammatical errors (probably due to emotional excuses).

Okay I can try to mind my grammar here. But coherency... not so much. Cause my mind is hectic like that, so bare with me. It's like I'm trying to write an essay with thesis statements and whatnot right?

There's something I want to say. Actually, most of the things that I want to say are just bits and pieces. They might not make much sense if you put them together (lack of coherency, I know) but if you look at it again I swear it's all related. I guess only mind can decode it.

"Do I really want to marry a guy like this? Do I want to marry a guy that looks at other girl's butt? Would you want to let your husband see yourself if you already know he wants something else, but not you?"