The title is due to the song I'm listening to right now, by A Rocket To The Moon. Every song I hear reminds me of him, because 99% of the song I listen to comes from him. Whatever, that's not the point.
Anyway, yesterday was a blast. I had bonding time with a lot of people. No, actually the special bonding I think is with Mimi and Amy. I never felt closer to them like I did yesterday. I've been very open lately. I tell people how I really feel. I don't hide them anymore. It's good. People actually listen to what I had to say and they care.
I talked to my brother, big brother. I asked him if he was happy. To be frank, I've been asking people that question a lot. It's starting to feel like it's my tag line or something. Haha. Anyway, he tells me that he's happy and why he is. I asked more questions and he answered them. If you knew him, you'd know that he is the most jiwang person I know. But I enjoyed talking to him tonight. We shared a few things.
When I think about my friends, that feeling of despair suddenly vanished.
I feel like I need to be around people, constantly. Or I'll break down or something.
Mother is actually being very kind. It's quite obvious even though she tries to be subtle. When I'm still with him, mother always tease and say mean things, implying that she wishes we would just break up. But now, that it's actually a possibility, she's being nice about it. He comes up in our daily conversations sometimes, but she knows when to say something and when to stay silent. She doesn't say mean things anymore. She knows I'm in pain.
I am currently loving everyone around me.
Oh, and I was thinking the other day, and I thought, this is just like dangdut boy all over again (I don't know why I have to still call him dangdut boy, the dangdut incident was a long time ago, but I don't know what else to call him). What I mean is, you know, I'm playing the desperate girl, he's playing I don't give a damn(title!) about you anymore, bla bla bla. It's frickin deja vu.
I promised myself if this were ever to happen again, I would act differently. And I am. My pride is all that's left. I already gave everything else away.
Something happened to one of my friends, and it made me realized just how lucky I am. There shouldn't be a reason for me to be depressed. But I guess, that's why they say nobody's perfect. Because people have different priorities. Different passion. My life is all about this 'thing'. And her life is all about 'the other thing'. The 'things' just fall in opposite places.
I'm starting to not make any sense at all. Maybe, it's THE NIGHT. Good night.
17 March 2011
14 March 2011
Monday
The title is not captivating at all. Haha, reminds me of Rebecca Black, who taught everybody to read the calendar. Never mind.
How ever boring my life is, I will still put it in this blog, because it is a way to express myself, which is... good, right?
Today, I practiced 'Like We Used To' on my piano. I want to make another YouTube video piano cover. Hopefully, I succeed it. Then I watched a few movies. I watched Ellen Page in Whip It. She's just so adorable, it is impossible to not fall in love with her. I think I have crush on her. Then I got bored with the internet and started to draw. I'm not finished yet. I'm colouring with Sharpie for the second time. Not my best medium but you know what they say, practice makes perfect.
Amy told me I should sew, to take my mind off things. I want to. But I haven't got any nice cloth. I'll make it work though.
I've been cleaning my room a lot, 'to take my mind off things'.
How ever boring my life is, I will still put it in this blog, because it is a way to express myself, which is... good, right?
Today, I practiced 'Like We Used To' on my piano. I want to make another YouTube video piano cover. Hopefully, I succeed it. Then I watched a few movies. I watched Ellen Page in Whip It. She's just so adorable, it is impossible to not fall in love with her. I think I have crush on her. Then I got bored with the internet and started to draw. I'm not finished yet. I'm colouring with Sharpie for the second time. Not my best medium but you know what they say, practice makes perfect.
Amy told me I should sew, to take my mind off things. I want to. But I haven't got any nice cloth. I'll make it work though.
I've been cleaning my room a lot, 'to take my mind off things'.
13 March 2011
Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa
I watched the movie and I thought it was an international standard and it makes me proud to be a Malaysian. Go KRU! 3 geniuses.
What else did I do? I went to piano lesson. I hardly practice for this lesson but teacher said I'm improving. Kudos for me!
I dressed up today. It feels like I haven't been dressing up for quite a long time. Maybe this 'thing' is making me feel like I need to look good. I wore a long plaid blouse, brownish, yellowish, reddish, just lots of colours. And I wore neon yellow skinny jeans. Black sneakers. And a brownish scarf. I even ironed the scarf. And put on make up. I miss my make up. I didn't put on contacts though. Cause I don't even bother. Anyway, my outfit today was very self-expressive. Yellow is a happy colour right?
I posted the gif I made last Friday. The day when everything went spiraling downwards. I finally have the guts to post it on Tumblr. I wanted to show him first before putting it up. But he won't talk to me, so...
I hate feeling vulnerable. Especially when people know at the time, that I'm vulnerable. These kind of things make it so hard for people to communicate, to just talk. But the truth is, everyone is vulnerable at some point, and when you talk it out, you would actually feel less vulnerable. There's really nothing to be ashamed of.
I feel like puking all day.
Good night.
What else did I do? I went to piano lesson. I hardly practice for this lesson but teacher said I'm improving. Kudos for me!
I dressed up today. It feels like I haven't been dressing up for quite a long time. Maybe this 'thing' is making me feel like I need to look good. I wore a long plaid blouse, brownish, yellowish, reddish, just lots of colours. And I wore neon yellow skinny jeans. Black sneakers. And a brownish scarf. I even ironed the scarf. And put on make up. I miss my make up. I didn't put on contacts though. Cause I don't even bother. Anyway, my outfit today was very self-expressive. Yellow is a happy colour right?
I posted the gif I made last Friday. The day when everything went spiraling downwards. I finally have the guts to post it on Tumblr. I wanted to show him first before putting it up. But he won't talk to me, so...
I hate feeling vulnerable. Especially when people know at the time, that I'm vulnerable. These kind of things make it so hard for people to communicate, to just talk. But the truth is, everyone is vulnerable at some point, and when you talk it out, you would actually feel less vulnerable. There's really nothing to be ashamed of.
I feel like puking all day.
Good night.
12 March 2011
Strength
I was unhappy since 'the big fight'. I don't like to call it 'the break' even when that's the truth. I'm being completely honest here, so spare me.
I was unhappy because he's different now and it's very hard for me to accept that. I acted normal around him but my insides are messed up.
So anyway, something came up (I don't know even know what it is, WTF right?). I was crying at the back of my house, just after I called him. I heard my mother calling my name. She wanted me to make sushi for the day. I quickly wiped my tears and went in the kitchen. But I didn't fool her. She's my mother, she would know if I was crying. She asked and I had to tell her. Suddenly I had the urge to hug her, so I did and she hugged me back. And I just love that moment, you know. I needed a hug, no one was there to give it to me, but she did and I'm so grateful for that. She said some things to calm me down. And I felt better. Since 'the big fight', I felt better. But it wasn't long lasting.
After a few hours, the good vibe evaporated and I started feeling miserable again. I called him, desperate as I am. Let's just say it turned out worst than expected. I started crying and called Amy. I called her because I tried talking to Hanisah last night but she couldn't care less because she has her own problems what so ever. So, Amy didn't answer my call. I called Hanisah and told her. There were a lot of things that she said to console me. But there was one word that she said which trigger something in me. I don't think it's necessary to put the word here but it made me feel better. Like really good. Like a weight has been lifted.
Then, mama and ayah came downstairs. They asked if everything was okay. I told them I called him. That was when they lectured me. I listened to every word they say. There were a lot of things. I won't put it here though, because I think it's too special to just share it with everybody. The point is, what they say made me feel a lot stronger. Hanisah may made me feel better, but my parents open my eyes and made me see every perspective. What they said gives me strength. I am so grateful that I have them as my parents. Seriously, I am so much stronger now. I am, in fact, HAPPY. For the first time since 'the big fight', I'M HAPPY.
I've been missing the feeling, you know. The feeling when you're happy.
I've always been thinking about my promises and keeping them, that I almost forgot about my own happiness. I think about what other people might say. I think about what a waste of all the times I've spent. When I should have been thinking about me. I don't care anymore. I'm gonna do what I want. I'm not gonna let you treat me like trash. No.
There's this song that I've known for quite some time. I heard it again the other day. The lyrics said: 'Terima kasih oh tuhan, tunjukkan siapa dia'. So, it made me think that maybe God is trying to show me something. God is trying to tell me that this is the best for me and I refused to accept it. You know, I never forget to pray to have a great husband because my ultimate goal in life is to have a happy family and a happy marriage. So I thought, maybe God is responding to my prayers. I know it sounds corny or cheeky or whatever. I honestly think God is trying show me what's best for me. I have to accept that.
I feel bare now. Like, exposed. It has been a long time since I pour my heart out on the internet. I know nobody reads this, but still, it's the internet. If I type it here, it'll stay here, until I delete it. It's proof of what I feel.
Anyway, the actual point of writing this is I'm grateful to have my parents, especially mama because they are the best and I love them. I want her to know that. But I'm not really good in thank-yous. So... I don't know.
and I'm HAPPY :)
I was unhappy because he's different now and it's very hard for me to accept that. I acted normal around him but my insides are messed up.
So anyway, something came up (I don't know even know what it is, WTF right?). I was crying at the back of my house, just after I called him. I heard my mother calling my name. She wanted me to make sushi for the day. I quickly wiped my tears and went in the kitchen. But I didn't fool her. She's my mother, she would know if I was crying. She asked and I had to tell her. Suddenly I had the urge to hug her, so I did and she hugged me back. And I just love that moment, you know. I needed a hug, no one was there to give it to me, but she did and I'm so grateful for that. She said some things to calm me down. And I felt better. Since 'the big fight', I felt better. But it wasn't long lasting.
After a few hours, the good vibe evaporated and I started feeling miserable again. I called him, desperate as I am. Let's just say it turned out worst than expected. I started crying and called Amy. I called her because I tried talking to Hanisah last night but she couldn't care less because she has her own problems what so ever. So, Amy didn't answer my call. I called Hanisah and told her. There were a lot of things that she said to console me. But there was one word that she said which trigger something in me. I don't think it's necessary to put the word here but it made me feel better. Like really good. Like a weight has been lifted.
Then, mama and ayah came downstairs. They asked if everything was okay. I told them I called him. That was when they lectured me. I listened to every word they say. There were a lot of things. I won't put it here though, because I think it's too special to just share it with everybody. The point is, what they say made me feel a lot stronger. Hanisah may made me feel better, but my parents open my eyes and made me see every perspective. What they said gives me strength. I am so grateful that I have them as my parents. Seriously, I am so much stronger now. I am, in fact, HAPPY. For the first time since 'the big fight', I'M HAPPY.
I've been missing the feeling, you know. The feeling when you're happy.
I've always been thinking about my promises and keeping them, that I almost forgot about my own happiness. I think about what other people might say. I think about what a waste of all the times I've spent. When I should have been thinking about me. I don't care anymore. I'm gonna do what I want. I'm not gonna let you treat me like trash. No.
There's this song that I've known for quite some time. I heard it again the other day. The lyrics said: 'Terima kasih oh tuhan, tunjukkan siapa dia'. So, it made me think that maybe God is trying to show me something. God is trying to tell me that this is the best for me and I refused to accept it. You know, I never forget to pray to have a great husband because my ultimate goal in life is to have a happy family and a happy marriage. So I thought, maybe God is responding to my prayers. I know it sounds corny or cheeky or whatever. I honestly think God is trying show me what's best for me. I have to accept that.
I feel bare now. Like, exposed. It has been a long time since I pour my heart out on the internet. I know nobody reads this, but still, it's the internet. If I type it here, it'll stay here, until I delete it. It's proof of what I feel.
Anyway, the actual point of writing this is I'm grateful to have my parents, especially mama because they are the best and I love them. I want her to know that. But I'm not really good in thank-yous. So... I don't know.
and I'm HAPPY :)
05 March 2011
I Always Abandon You
Yes, I'm talking about you, blogspot. I constantly abandon you and only come to see when I'm in need. Not that I'm in need right now. I just continued my Zara story. I'm very happy that I get to figure out what I didn't before. I'm not sure if I should post it here. Should I?
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