I was unhappy since 'the big fight'. I don't like to call it 'the break' even when that's the truth. I'm being completely honest here, so spare me.
I was unhappy because he's different now and it's very hard for me to accept that. I acted normal around him but my insides are messed up.
So anyway, something came up (I don't know even know what it is, WTF right?). I was crying at the back of my house, just after I called him. I heard my mother calling my name. She wanted me to make sushi for the day. I quickly wiped my tears and went in the kitchen. But I didn't fool her. She's my mother, she would know if I was crying. She asked and I had to tell her. Suddenly I had the urge to hug her, so I did and she hugged me back. And I just love that moment, you know. I needed a hug, no one was there to give it to me, but she did and I'm so grateful for that. She said some things to calm me down. And I felt better. Since 'the big fight', I felt better. But it wasn't long lasting.
After a few hours, the good vibe evaporated and I started feeling miserable again. I called him, desperate as I am. Let's just say it turned out worst than expected. I started crying and called Amy. I called her because I tried talking to Hanisah last night but she couldn't care less because she has her own problems what so ever. So, Amy didn't answer my call. I called Hanisah and told her. There were a lot of things that she said to console me. But there was one word that she said which trigger something in me. I don't think it's necessary to put the word here but it made me feel better. Like really good. Like a weight has been lifted.
Then, mama and ayah came downstairs. They asked if everything was okay. I told them I called him. That was when they lectured me. I listened to every word they say. There were a lot of things. I won't put it here though, because I think it's too special to just share it with everybody. The point is, what they say made me feel a lot stronger. Hanisah may made me feel better, but my parents open my eyes and made me see every perspective. What they said gives me strength. I am so grateful that I have them as my parents. Seriously, I am so much stronger now. I am, in fact, HAPPY. For the first time since 'the big fight', I'M HAPPY.
I've been missing the feeling, you know. The feeling when you're happy.
I've always been thinking about my promises and keeping them, that I almost forgot about my own happiness. I think about what other people might say. I think about what a waste of all the times I've spent. When I should have been thinking about me. I don't care anymore. I'm gonna do what I want. I'm not gonna let you treat me like trash. No.
There's this song that I've known for quite some time. I heard it again the other day. The lyrics said: 'Terima kasih oh tuhan, tunjukkan siapa dia'. So, it made me think that maybe God is trying to show me something. God is trying to tell me that this is the best for me and I refused to accept it. You know, I never forget to pray to have a great husband because my ultimate goal in life is to have a happy family and a happy marriage. So I thought, maybe God is responding to my prayers. I know it sounds corny or cheeky or whatever. I honestly think God is trying show me what's best for me. I have to accept that.
I feel bare now. Like, exposed. It has been a long time since I pour my heart out on the internet. I know nobody reads this, but still, it's the internet. If I type it here, it'll stay here, until I delete it. It's proof of what I feel.
Anyway, the actual point of writing this is I'm grateful to have my parents, especially mama because they are the best and I love them. I want her to know that. But I'm not really good in thank-yous. So... I don't know.
and I'm HAPPY :)
