First of all, situasi dah berubah since the last post. Perubahan yang sangat mendadak. Tapi malas nak cerita.

Okay. So. I used to have a lot of issues. I wouldn't call them problems because they're not as big as a real problem. Isu pertama, nak repair basikal. Isu kedua, saya gemuk, bila nak kurus? Isu ketiga, tak nak naik van pergi sekolah, nak naik basikal. Isu keempat, SPM is coming, bila nak start belajar? But this issues means nothing today, right now, these couple weeks. They are still there, but they don't fill my head. I guess it's because my head is full. Even SPM is barely planted in my mind. Terukkan? I don't think about these issues anymore even when they are not yet resolved.

My head is full. Do you know what it is filled with?
Ada laa, tak nak bagitau.

I'm currently reading an adult novel titled Cheyney Fox. I am purposely reading the book to expand the extent of my vocabulary. I find the words quite difficult to understand and I've been reading it with a dictionary by my side.

I went shopping with Mama and Syasya today. And partly with Abang and Ayah. It's a 2 in 1 present and time-to-time-shopping (faham ke?). The thing is, my wardrobe has been spacey for quite some time, I need more clothes. And alang-alang nak dekat birthday ni, why don't make it a birthday present. So we went shopping. At the end of the day, Mama realized she spent too much on me, so she decided to NOT get a birthday cake on my birthday. Of course I protest since it's the best part of birthdays for me. When it comes to birthdays, the first thought that popped would be 'what kind of cake do I want?' then comes 'what do I want from Mama and Ayah for my birthday?'. But this year, I didn't even had time to think about presents. My head is full, remember? Tau tau je dah bulan 4.

Ayah and Mama accused me of playing dirty tricks. I was cleaning my wardrobe this morning. They said I purposely did that to show them I don't have enough clothes. And when we arrived at the mall, my selipar tercabut. They said I purposely did that too. I swear I didn't. It was all a coincidence.

I can't wait to show him my clothes. I always do that. Whenever I bought new clothes, he'll come to see them.

Give A Damn

The title is due to the song I'm listening to right now, by A Rocket To The Moon. Every song I hear reminds me of him, because 99% of the song I listen to comes from him. Whatever, that's not the point.

Anyway, yesterday was a blast. I had bonding time with a lot of people. No, actually the special bonding I think is with Mimi and Amy. I never felt closer to them like I did yesterday. I've been very open lately. I tell people how I really feel. I don't hide them anymore. It's good. People actually listen to what I had to say and they care.

I talked to my brother, big brother. I asked him if he was happy. To be frank, I've been asking people that question a lot. It's starting to feel like it's my tag line or something. Haha. Anyway, he tells me that he's happy and why he is. I asked more questions and he answered them. If you knew him, you'd know that he is the most jiwang person I know. But I enjoyed talking to him tonight. We shared a few things.

When I think about my friends, that feeling of despair suddenly vanished.

I feel like I need to be around people, constantly. Or I'll break down or something.

Mother is actually being very kind. It's quite obvious even though she tries to be subtle. When I'm still with him, mother always tease and say mean things, implying that she wishes we would just break up. But now, that it's actually a possibility, she's being nice about it. He comes up in our daily conversations sometimes, but she knows when to say something and when to stay silent. She doesn't say mean things anymore. She knows I'm in pain.

I am currently loving everyone around me.

Oh, and I was thinking the other day, and I thought, this is just like dangdut boy all over again (I don't know why I have to still call him dangdut boy, the dangdut incident was a long time ago, but I don't know what else to call him). What I mean is, you know, I'm playing the desperate girl, he's playing I don't give a damn(title!) about you anymore, bla bla bla. It's frickin deja vu.

I promised myself if this were ever to happen again, I would act differently. And I am. My pride is all that's left. I already gave everything else away.

Something happened to one of my friends, and it made me realized just how lucky I am. There shouldn't be a reason for me to be depressed. But I guess, that's why they say nobody's perfect. Because people have different priorities. Different passion. My life is all about this 'thing'. And her life is all about 'the other thing'. The 'things' just fall in opposite places.

I'm starting to not make any sense at all. Maybe, it's THE NIGHT. Good night.

Monday

The title is not captivating at all. Haha, reminds me of Rebecca Black, who taught everybody to read the calendar. Never mind.

How ever boring my life is, I will still put it in this blog, because it is a way to express myself, which is... good, right?

Today, I practiced 'Like We Used To' on my piano. I want to make another YouTube video piano cover. Hopefully, I succeed it. Then I watched a few movies. I watched Ellen Page in Whip It. She's just so adorable, it is impossible to not fall in love with her. I think I have crush on her. Then I got bored with the internet and started to draw. I'm not finished yet. I'm colouring with Sharpie for the second time. Not my best medium but you know what they say, practice makes perfect.

Amy told me I should sew, to take my mind off things. I want to. But I haven't got any nice cloth. I'll make it work though.

I've been cleaning my room a lot, 'to take my mind off things'.

I'm happy not because you left me, but because I have everything else in life.

Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa

I watched the movie and I thought it was an international standard and it makes me proud to be a Malaysian. Go KRU! 3 geniuses.

What else did I do? I went to piano lesson. I hardly practice for this lesson but teacher said I'm improving. Kudos for me!

I dressed up today. It feels like I haven't been dressing up for quite a long time. Maybe this 'thing' is making me feel like I need to look good. I wore a long plaid blouse, brownish, yellowish, reddish, just lots of colours. And I wore neon yellow skinny jeans. Black sneakers. And a brownish scarf. I even ironed the scarf. And put on make up. I miss my make up. I didn't put on contacts though. Cause I don't even bother. Anyway, my outfit today was very self-expressive. Yellow is a happy colour right?

I posted the gif I made last Friday. The day when everything went spiraling downwards. I finally have the guts to post it on Tumblr. I wanted to show him first before putting it up. But he won't talk to me, so...

I hate feeling vulnerable. Especially when people know at the time, that I'm vulnerable. These kind of things make it so hard for people to communicate, to just talk. But the truth is, everyone is vulnerable at some point, and when you talk it out, you would actually feel less vulnerable. There's really nothing to be ashamed of.

I feel like puking all day.

Good night.

2006

I just read my 2006 posts. And I have one thing to say.

My English SUCKS! Bad.

Strength

I was unhappy since 'the big fight'. I don't like to call it 'the break' even when that's the truth. I'm being completely honest here, so spare me.

I was unhappy because he's different now and it's very hard for me to accept that. I acted normal around him but my insides are messed up.

So anyway, something came up (I don't know even know what it is, WTF right?). I was crying at the back of my house, just after I called him. I heard my mother calling my name. She wanted me to make sushi for the day. I quickly wiped my tears and went in the kitchen. But I didn't fool her. She's my mother, she would know if I was crying. She asked and I had to tell her. Suddenly I had the urge to hug her, so I did and she hugged me back. And I just love that moment, you know. I needed a hug, no one was there to give it to me, but she did and I'm so grateful for that. She said some things to calm me down. And I felt better. Since 'the big fight', I felt better. But it wasn't long lasting.

After a few hours, the good vibe evaporated and I started feeling miserable again. I called him, desperate as I am. Let's just say it turned out worst than expected. I started crying and called Amy. I called her because I tried talking to Hanisah last night but she couldn't care less because she has her own problems what so ever. So, Amy didn't answer my call. I called Hanisah and told her. There were a lot of things that she said to console me. But there was one word that she said which trigger something in me. I don't think it's necessary to put the word here but it made me feel better. Like really good. Like a weight has been lifted.

Then, mama and ayah came downstairs. They asked if everything was okay. I told them I called him. That was when they lectured me. I listened to every word they say. There were a lot of things. I won't put it here though, because I think it's too special to just share it with everybody. The point is, what they say made me feel a lot stronger. Hanisah may made me feel better, but my parents open my eyes and made me see every perspective. What they said gives me strength. I am so grateful that I have them as my parents. Seriously, I am so much stronger now. I am, in fact, HAPPY. For the first time since 'the big fight', I'M HAPPY.

I've been missing the feeling, you know. The feeling when you're happy.

I've always been thinking about my promises and keeping them, that I almost forgot about my own happiness. I think about what other people might say. I think about what a waste of all the times I've spent. When I should have been thinking about me. I don't care anymore. I'm gonna do what I want. I'm not gonna let you treat me like trash. No.

There's this song that I've known for quite some time. I heard it again the other day. The lyrics said: 'Terima kasih oh tuhan, tunjukkan siapa dia'. So, it made me think that maybe God is trying to show me something. God is trying to tell me that this is the best for me and I refused to accept it. You know, I never forget to pray to have a great husband because my ultimate goal in life is to have a happy family and a happy marriage. So I thought, maybe God is responding to my prayers. I know it sounds corny or cheeky or whatever. I honestly think God is trying show me what's best for me. I have to accept that.

I feel bare now. Like, exposed. It has been a long time since I pour my heart out on the internet. I know nobody reads this, but still, it's the internet. If I type it here, it'll stay here, until I delete it. It's proof of what I feel.

Anyway, the actual point of writing this is I'm grateful to have my parents, especially mama because they are the best and I love them. I want her to know that. But I'm not really good in thank-yous. So... I don't know.

and I'm HAPPY :)

I Always Abandon You

Yes, I'm talking about you, blogspot. I constantly abandon you and only come to see when I'm in need. Not that I'm in need right now. I just continued my Zara story. I'm very happy that I get to figure out what I didn't before. I'm not sure if I should post it here. Should I?

Zara

*cough cough. Rase macam nak post Zara la. Walaupun tak siap lagi. Hehe.

___________________________________________________________________________________

“Are you okay?” he asks

“Of course.” Even when I’m not. It’s too cold here. But I feel bad making him miss the movie. I’m always such a fuss.

“You’re practically trembling. We’re leaving.” He stands up.

I pull his hands down. “I’m fine Zach.”

He grabs my hands and head his way to the exit door. Once we’re out of the cinema, my body receives heat and I feel so much better. But at the same time, Zach is glaring at me and that just makes me feel a lot worse.

“You should’ve said something.” He raises his voice.

“Please don’t be mad at me.”

“I’m not mad at you. I’m just mad.”

“I’m sorry.”

“We are not going to the movies ever again.”

“Look, I just forgot my meds, that’s all. We can see the movie another time.”

“You forgot your meds?!”

Shit. I shouldn’t have said that. Ugh, why do I always make things worse? By now, we are sitting on the bench outside the cinema. He’s going through my bag searching for my pills. I feel dizzy. I say this out loud. When I open my eyes, he was no where to be seen. I shut them back.

“Here.” He gives me a bottle of water and hands me the pills. “Sorry I left you. I didn’t bring any water so I bought it there.” He points at a shop.

It took a few minutes before my head is stabilized and I can function normally. I apologized again.

“It’s not your fault.” He’s probably calmed down already. If he’s still mad, he would’ve lectured me.

“I knew you want to watch the movie.”

“The movie is not important. I can buy a DVD later and watch it at your house.”

“But we never watch movies together.”

“Yes we do. We watched Adventureland at your house. And Juno, and 10 Things I Hate About You, remember?”

“That doesn’t count. We never go on dates like this. Like going to the movies, or ice skating, or going to the theme park.” I was fighting back tears.

“It’s because we can’t.”

“NO! You can. I can’t.” He hugs me and I bury my face in his broad chest. I hug him back, tight. He’s so tall. I have to tilt my head up to see his face. His eyebrows pull together in a frown. He caresses my flowing red hair. I put my hands on his muscled neck.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t.” Cause it’s the one thing I don’t need from him.
_______________________________________________________________________________

From the dramatic scene above, you probably know that there is something wrong with me. Well, you’re right. There is something definitely wrong with me. I don’t like telling these things to other people. Because they tend to feel sorry for me. And I just simply don’t like it. I’m just the way I am and I don’t need your sympathy. But in order for you to understand this sad story, I have to tell you the information you need. Before the dramatic introduction, let me tell you this: I’m Zara.

I have a rare disease. I don’t remember what it’s called cause the name is too long. I leave it to Zach. The main thing about this disease is that I’m always cold. There is not a day when I feel hot. It’s internal. It has nothing to do with the outside world. Basically my temperature drops form time to time. There are a few side effects when my temperature is too low. I get dizzy, no appetite. Zach once told me that I’m so short because of the disease. The temperature won’t let me grow up. Physically, though. Because, mentally, I’m much more mature than you think I am.

This sickness could’ve killed me years ago. So, you must be wondering how I get to be alive. It’s all thanks to Zach. He’s my doctor. He knows the name of the disease, of course. He takes care of everything for me. You can say he’s my guardian angel, but I think it’s completely cheesy. One important thing you need to know about Zach is that he’s warm. Not just his personality, he’s simply warm. I go to him when it’s especially cold, literally. Zach is tall. He’s like the tallest man on earth. I wonder how he’d end up with me.

I met him when I was little. I don’t remember what age. You can ask Zach. He remembers everything. My father contacted him and asked him to treat me personally. He rejected at first because he only served for the army, as a doctor. But my father was willing to pay any price to have him. Then, he accepted the job.

When I was little, he treated me like his younger sister. I didn’t see him that way. I saw him as this weird freakishly tall doctor who keeps reminding me to take my meds. He was very young then, very much handsome and mature-looking. My teachers used to flirt with him when he sent me to school. Since I wasn’t that very much into him, he tried to get closer to me and tried making me like him. Maybe it’s because he knew he would be working with me for quite a long period of time. So, he needed to make me easier to live with. He would buy me ice-cream after school even though Daddy won’t let me. He would play Barbie or tea time with me. That’s what he told me. I couldn’t remember a thing. I asked him if I ever like put make up on him and he said I never because I don’t like make up. He was my constant companion. Sometimes, he’s the father figure when daddy was always not around. But I don’t like to think that way. But sometimes, it seems that way.

When I turned thirteen, he became my friend. At first, I didn’t want to tell him about anything. I still treated him as my friend, though. But since he was always around when I had problems, I confided in him and cried my heart out at him. The weird thing is he would always listen to me, even if my problems were stupid. Then he became my best friend. We hung out together at the mall. He was the first person that I told about my crush. He braids my hair at night when we’re having a slumber party. This might be very unusual to you but he was the first person who found out when I got my period. He told me everything about it since he knows cause he’s a doctor. That was how close I was to him.

When I was fifteen, there was a girl in class who said I was a lesbian. I denied it.

“Then why don’t you have a boyfriend?” she asked.

“I don’t need one.”

“Of course you don’t because you need a girlfriend.” The whole class laughed.

“You’re wrong.” I didn’t know what else to say to fight back.

“Do you know that you’re the only girl in class who never had a boyfriend? We never even heard you having a crush on someone.”

“That’s because I don’t tell you.”

“Then who do you tell?”

I was about to answer ‘Zach’. But I knew they know nothing of Zach so I kept my mouth shut and what they think remains the same; I was a lesbian. When Zach picked me up from school, I told him this. He asked me was I hurt by the confrontation. I said no because it wasn’t true. Usually when I tell Zach about something, the thing would be over. But this thing got me thinking. It was in my head at all times. And I don’t think talking to Zach about this would make it go away. So I talked to a girl, my best friend, at school.

“April!” that’s her name. “Wait up.”

She turned to look at me. “What up?”

“can I talk to you somewhere?”

“Sure.” We walked to a bench at the school garden.

“You know the other day about the lesbian thing?”

“Yeah. It was last week right? Oh my god, you really are…”

“NO! I’m not. I just need someone to talk to right now. Because my head is… messy.”

“What’s wrong you like a boy?”

“Well, I’ve always liked him.”

“Who is it?”

“You know Zach?”

“That old guy?”

“Yeah. The bully, what was her name?”

“Georgia.”

“Yeah. She got me thinking.”

“About what?”

“Could I’ve… fallen in love with Zach?”

“Eeeww, that’s gross.”

“Why?”

“He’s so old.”

Talking to April was useless, she would never understand. I sighed. “Never mind.”

“But… no matter how gross it is, it makes sense if you fall in love with him. I mean, he’s always around right?”

“Yes. What should I do?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do YOU do when you fall in love with a guy?”

“I never actually have fallen in love with a guy but if I like someone I tell him the truth.”

“Should I tell him?”

“I think it’s better if you know what he feels about you first.”

“Okay. Thanks April.”

And that was the first time I had a deep conversation with a girl. I used to talk about these things with Zach. I hate the feeling. I always get to tell him everything; but I couldn’t tell him this one thing.

After that, I acted like nothing happened. I walked around with him like everything was fine even though I feel like my inside was about to burst. It sucked, real bad. And I had to endure for 2 weeks. And then the ball came.

"There was a moment of silence, but it wasn't uneasy."

I found it in one of the books I read. It was Amy's.
I just like the phrase. And it's hard to get to that point in a relationship. Any kinds of relationship.
That point where when no one speaks and there is only the two of you, yet there's nothing awkward about that.