First of all, I’m writing this here because I just feel like
I have to let it out somewhere. I’m not that type of person that can keep this
big of a deal of a situation to myself. Of course the term doesn’t really suit
in this case, because I have told people about how I feel and what actually
happened. But somehow, it’s not enough. And I do know why. I tell to the people
who weren’t in the equation. Because I know, who do I really want for them to
listen to my side of the story, but didn’t care enough to stop and listen.
I tried to put this away, or at least at the back of my mind
as I know there are more important things to think about at this point. But
frankly, my heart is literally not at ease at this very moment, and I know they
don’t feel the same way. I thought maybe by letting it out here, might just be
the cure to this heart-ill.
So it started out just by a mere or slight sense of dislike
to a particular person who have just walked into my life, and so suddenly
become a big part of my life. And at first I found that person to have made me
happy. When I realized that feeling, the next that came was that feeling you
get when you want to just share to the world how you feel, ‘cause you’re just
so happy. In my case, I wanted to tell my friends, one of the groups of people
I care most. Do you know what I mean? When there’s something in my life that
makes me feel out of this world, and I want to share it with the people I love,
just to let them know. Or at least to
consult with them, because they are also the ones that knows who you really are
and might be able to help to identify what exactly should I be evaluating here
regarding on this new person... I don’t know, something like that, like a
friend should be.
Instead, they just reject everything, without even hearing
the whole story, without giving the slightest chance. And the worst thing is,
at that time, nobody cares to even tell me why. Were there any legitimate
reasons to all these doings? Was there anything that I missed? If so, do tell
me. They don’t bother to even communicate. I know we’re all bust with each
other’s life. But how can I make time to make this work when she simply claims
why she would bother about this nonsensical event in her life if it didn’t even
give her marks for her assignment. Can you imagine what I feel when she said
that? Can you? They say things like this, as if it’s the right thing to say but
the truth is it hurts, really deep. I won’t forget it like seriously.
If they had something to say about it, if it upsets them so
much, don’t just sweep it off under the rug, don’t ignore it. It won’t go away.
Communicate. I also have a friend here, a classmate, who truly cares. As much
as I don’t listen to him, I still appreciate his every effort. He had a problem
with this new circumstance, and he called me (several times), sat me down to
talk, and told me one by one why he disagreed. He talked to me, like adults
would if they have a conflict. Maybe I didn’t exactly do what he wants me to
do, but at least I know what’s going on and at least it is resolved.
But honestly, when you think about it, is it fair? Think
about it. Is it fair to me? Is it fair to him? Please try putting your feet in
my shoes right now, imagine all of this being done to you, and how would you
feel. Please, try.
But that’s all before this. Now, I have come to terms that
there is absolutely nothing I can do to change their minds or change their
outlook on this whole thing. Or maybe because it’s too late. Nobody bothered to
fix it in the first place, and now it’s unfixable, too complicated. So I have accepted
it. I figured there’s no need to worry, I value what we have and I won’t let
anything get in the way. I tried. But the problem here is that because of this
thing (or maybe not), they have treated me differently, I can feel the tense. At
first, all I felt was the fake, ingenuine, as if I’m pretending. But it is true
though, I am pretending, pretending like nothing happened. I played along, even
though I feel left out, I played along. To a point where I feel discomfort, I
figured I should do something because this isn’t fun anymore. I need to do
something to make myself feel at least like I fit in. So I approached, I made a
move to show that I have interest and I want to know what’s going on, to care. Because
that’s what friends do right? And this matter does not have anything to do with
the previous problem we’ve encountered before this, nothing. So I don’t
understand why they were still blocking me, rejecting me. It’s like they’re
telling me to go off. They don’t want to tell me anything anymore. Am I that
unimportant to them?
Talking behind my back? We weren’t like this before. How did
that happened? I don’t understand. I seriously don’t understand what I did
wrong.
Even when all the dissatisfaction put aside, they still
treat me this way. I feel like trash.
There is so much left to say, indescribable feelings. But I
think I’ve said too much already. I don’t want to give away; I want to keep
some things private. But I need to let it out.
Just think about this, ‘Is it fair to me? Is it fair to a
human being to be treated this way? Do I
deserve this?’
After going through this for quite some time, I learned that
they’re just friends. And friends come and go whether you like it or not. And
if you’ve tried hard enough, then you don’t have to blame yourself for what
might happen next.
Yes I still care. But I won’t let their negativity towards
the current source of happiness in my life, to ruin what I should be happy for.
This time I’ll play along, but I wouldn’t put too much hope or be dependent on this.
But if I’m sick of pretending, I just don’t have to be around it. And that’s where
the big question arrives, can I just leave?
